#fuck2020

I can’t say anything more than serious fuck off 2020! So what has happened in this year of hell? First of all, we lost our freedom. Never ever did I ever see the day that would happen. When did you ever think leaving your house would be a crime? Something that was supposed to be two weeks has gone on for eight months and still counting! My son lost his best friend to suicide. He was 19! I lost my income. We were trapped in the United States. We are forced to wear masks to hide our faces. My poor beloved bunny died. Half of the world was on unemployment. I now have a fear of going out in large crowds. I got involved in politics since our freedom was taken. I wanted to understand what the fuck was going on. I wish more people would of. Maybe we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in now. I realized people are clueless. I learned how sheltered people are. It’s actually terrifying that people believe the media.

Sadly I have realized that I live in a different world than most of my friends. For starters, I live in the hood. I also love it! Most of my friends won’t even come to my house. It’s sad the sheltered life they live. They will never see what I see. They will never learn what I have. Oddly I don’t judge them for living sheltered lives, but yet they judge me. How can you judge something that you have never lived? I used to live my life like all of them. I would never go back. Having to shelter in place, I had a lot of time to think. I am definitely the odd man out of all my friends. Has this caused me to be more distant? Yes, I would definitely say so. Would I realize this if we weren’t forced to stay home? No, most likely not. Do I still love all my friends? Yes, of course. The smartest friend I have. Left this fucking country a year and a half ago. I know for a fact he would also say fuck 2020! He has had a rough year for sure.

The world has gotten mean! Everyone is pissed! For an excellent reason. They have lost loved ones and could not say good-bye. So many people have lost their lives. People have lost their jobs, houses, business and the list goes on. I feel horrible for everyone. Unfortunately, 2021 isn’t looking very bright either. I am shocked at how many people are willing to give up their freedom. Then again, if you live a sheltered life and watch media. They really have no idea what is going on. I recently had a friend say only the uneducated voted for freedom. I can’t even comment on that….

For all of you that work in the medical field, for all you workers on the front line. My heart goes out to you. For all of you who have lost your business. For all of you who have lost your job. For all of you have lost their house. For all of you who lost love ones. I will pray for you in 2021. The well-educated people chose they didn’t want freedom……..

No!!!!!!!

A word I have such a hard time saying! How do you tell someone I don’t want you to pick me up! Is it because I’m so little and cute? At first, it’s ok. Can’t you tell I am squirming around? Can you not see I am uncomfortable? Sometimes I will just sit there and deal with it. Then I get annoyed. I yell and scream, and I may even scratch you. I don’t mean it, but I just couldn’t tell you NO! I don’t want to upset you. I know you just want to love on me. You mean no harm. I wish to be left alone. You have to wait for me to want you to pick me up. I can not guarantee that I will. ……

Just because I am out here roaming this world alone doesn’t mean I need you or even want you. Your not my owner, who left me. You can never be him. I may have forgotten how his voice sounded. I may have forgotten how I loved him to hold me. I am 100 percent positive if I ever see him again, he can pick me up. I search for him daily. I go back to the place he left me. He isn’t there. I know people don’t mean to upset me. I just don’t understand why they always want to pick me up! You can talk to me and pet me. Well, not always. Sometimes I wish to be left alone. I know I will walk this world alone unless I change my ways. But I am an old cat, and I don’t see that happening. There are days that I am sad and all I want is someone to pick me up and cuddle me. Those days are usually the days no one is around or cares that I am sad and lonely.

Words I can’t stand. You’re too cute and friendly to be a stray. Why do they assume I don’t like being a stray? I tried the house cat thing. I failed at it and ended back out on the streets. I believe this is where I belong. Why do they assume that I need someone? I mean, I miss the excellent food I used to get. Having to search for food every day gets tiring. I miss the nice comfy bed I would sleep in. Mainly I miss having someone love me. I have gotten catnapped before. They picked me up and brought me in a thing that went fast. It took me days to escape, and when I did, I had no idea where I was. It took me days to get back in my hood. I do have to run away from the pet police. If they get a hold of me, an old kitty like me doesn’t stand a chance to make it out alive. Will I give in one day and be a house kitty again? I guess time will tell. For right now, there are enough Tomcats to keep me happy. So if you see a cute kitty, don’t assume they want you to pick them up. You may say, why not just run away? The truth is profound down, I am really a scared kitty, and I really like attention and miss it so much. When receiving attention, I like it a lot. I know it’s false and short-lived. So I take what I can get for a short about of time.

Running from something or chasing something…..

I was on the plane, and a man sat next to me. Maybe he could see tears in eyes, perhaps not. He says, are you running from something or are chasing something? I said both. He said, please explain we have a 14-hour flight. You seem like you have an exciting story. I laughed and said if I started from the beginning, we need longer then 14 hours.

I said, well, would you like to hear what am I running from? Or would you rather listen to what I am chasing first? He said I want to know the past before the future.

I am running from a lot of bad decisions. Not sure why I made the choices I did. I caused myself a lot of pain. He said, why what did you do. Well, for starters, I chose to put people in my life that really shouldn’t have been in there. I never tell people when they hurt me. I just walk away. My life is full of people that have taken a piece of me away. I learned the hard way a friend can’t be ”lost.” No one can take away your true friend. I have met so many great people in every state. I have lived in. As one of my friends says, this too shall pass soon, and all will be great again! I hear those words daily. I often wonder if people know they hurt me as badly as they do. Or if they even care. He said, well, why don’t you tell them? Why? Then they would be nice again? Why would I want that I already saw their true colors? I feel like I kind of have a gift I see more than most. He says, how is that? I see people for who they are, for most people can not. I also know more than most people think I do.

I have only really trusted one guy with my heart. He says I assume it didn’t go well because he isn’t here. Once again, he was more important to me than I was to him. That is a very big pattern in my life. He planed a whole life without me and left. I mean it was great I wish I could have done it, but I had kids. If I were important to him, he would have waited for me. I would have waited for him. That’s just how my life has gone. Always there for everyone and no one there for me. Well, my parents and boys, I would have nothing if it weren’t for them.

I feel like I lived so many different lives. He says, why do you say that? Well, I have been broke and rich. I have married and single. He says, wait, you have been married? Is he the one you trusted with your heart? Sadly no. He was the cause of a lot of heartache in my life. That being said, he gave me the two best things no one else could. He gave me my boys. So far, he is the only man to put up for me for that long. I believe I was only supposed to marry once and only have my two boys. I believe there was a plan. There is a definite pattern in life. The only one that doesn’t fit is marriage and kids.

You’re going to have to explain that more he said. Since the age of like 14 till now. I never really dated anyone long term ever. The only person I did I married. I am usually not the girl people pick to date. Not sure why? Thinking it must be my personality or lifestyle. Maybe the only reason the one guy that stole my heart was because he the only one ever to pick me. Then again, in his mind, I was short term till his next life. So really, he wasn’t much different than the rest just better at hiding it. I think every time someone decides, I am not good enough to be there girlfriend; they take a piece of me away. I stopped even looking because of this. I was afraid there would be nothing left of me. It’s sad to me because I have so much to give. He asked, what does that mean? When I love someone as a friend or boyfriend, I take care of them.

More importantly, the worse of my patterns is losing ”friends.” Nothing worse than being betrayed by a friend, nothing. I hold a lot of pain in me. So much pain, I am starting not to know myself anymore.

He says, what do you mean by that? I figured everyone couldn’t be wrong, so it has to be me. The problem has to be me. How do I change me? How do I be the girl guys want to date how do I be that friend won’t get betrayed? I have yet figured out that question.

So you ask what I am running from? I am running from myself. I have already done this once before. I am hoping this time will be even better. He asked what you have done before? The boys and I moved far away from every one started new. Fresh Start! That’s how I know it’s me. The problem is with me. The only problem is I have no idea how to fix it. He says maybe stop running and tell them how bad they hurt you? I believe in Karma and for all who have wronged me will get what they should. I also thank them all for making me who I am today. Who knows maybe they will read my blog one day and realize what they have done. That’s interesting you write a blog? I said, yes, I do. He asks what I will be in your blog? You will be the man sitting next to me on a plane. Interesting…

O my God

Looking at the pictures I keep on my shelf
‘Cause it’s been so long since I’ve looked like myself
Burn another candle down
Burn another candle down
Running low on patience, running low on fumes
I’m never gonna make it halfway to the moon
But it’s too late to turn around
But it’s too late to turn aroundI’m running out of oxygen
I’ll never be the same again now
Same again nowOh my god, I can’t remember
Who I was just last December
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Oh my god, look in the mirror
I was young, nothing to fear once
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?Maybe I was foolish, I guess I was naive
I didn’t know what I had, and I thought I had to leave
I wish that I was homeward bound
I wish that I was homeward bound
I’m searching for a signal, holding out my phone
Have I gone too far, am I on my own?
No one here to hold me now
No one here to hold me nowI’m running out of oxygen
Can’t help but wish I’d stayed
I’m lost just like Will Robinson
Or rocket man in spaceOh my god, I can’t remember
Who I was just last December
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Oh my god, look in the mirror
I was young, nothing to fear once
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Mm, mm
Mm, mm
Mm, mmOh my god, I can’t remember
Who I was just last December
Who I was just last December
Oh my godOh my god, look in the mirror
I was young, nothing to fear once
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Mm, mm
Mm, mm

Song by Alec Benjamin

How did I get here?

How do I keep getting myself in these situations? I am too old to be running around, trying to find out where I belong. I should be fat and happy house cat by now. Sadly I don’t believe my guy is coming back for me. I have many dreams where he finds me. I have forgotten how his voice sounds. I wonder if he even remembers me. I am sure he has other Kittys now. I thought I was special, but I guess I am not. I used to search for him. I know I have been everywhere. Why did he have to leave me? I know he said he had to go far away. But why????

There was a bad storm, the wind and rain were so scary. I found a safe place to watch. I hope all my friends did, ok. I have been walking around haven’t seen them yet. I wonder if my guy knows that there was a storm. That I had to brave it all alone, I always wonder why house Kittys always want to get out; I just want to get in a house. If they had any idea how hard and scary it is out there, they would change their minds.

I do have to say the few times I have been taken in. I did get a little bored. I do like to roam around. Maybe I’m not a good house cat. Perhaps I was born to roam freely. I do have so much love to give. I do love taking care of everyone. I just figured at this time in my life things would have come together. Well another storm is in the sky. Going to run and hide.

This city

I’ve been seeing lonely people in crowded rooms
Covering their old heartbreaks with new tattoos
It’s all about smoke screens and cigarettes
Looking through low lights at silhouettes
But all I see is lonely people in crowded roomsThis city’s gonna break my heart
This city’s gonna love me then leave me alone
This city’s got me chasing stars
It’s been a couple months since I felt like I’m home
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This city’s gonna break my heart
She’s always gonna break your heart, ohI remember mornings when my head didn’t hurt
And I remember nights when art didn’t feel like work
She wakes up at noon and she’s out ’til three
She leaves her perfume all over me
But I remember mornings when my head didn’t hurtOh, this city’s gonna break my heart (it’s gonna break my heart)
This city’s gonna love me then leave me alone
This city’s got me chasing stars (got me chasing stars)
It’s been a couple months since I felt like I’m home (oh)
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This city’s gonna break my heart
She’s always gonna break your heartOoh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oohShe got a hold on me
She got me wrapped ’round her finger
She got a hold on me
She got me wrapped ’round her fingerThis city’s gonna break my heart (oh, yeah)
This city’s gonna love me then leave me alone (it’s gonna love me then leave me alone)
This city’s got me chasing stars (oh)
It’s been a couple months since I felt like I’m home
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This city’s gonna break my heart (hey, yeah)
She’s always gonna break your heartOoh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ohThis city’s gonna break my heart, hey
She’s always gonna break your heart

This CitySong by Sam Fischer

Lost in this crazy world

Lately, I am just lost. I can’t find myself. I’ve been taken in and thrown out so many times. I have just given up. I can’t find someone to love me if I can’t love myself. I used to wake up with a purpose. Now it just seems like I roam around. It even looks like all the tomcats have found someone.

Not sure how I got there but managed to find one of the places I used to stay. I saw her sitting in my window. The place I sat a year ago. I wonder why she got chosen, and I got thrown out. I sat and watched awhile until my heart hurt. I realized I would never be selected. I will most likely walk this world alone. Am I that bad of a Kitty? Lots of people stop and pet me, and they even give me food. Then they just move on. I often wonder if anyone ever thinks about me. If anyone ever misses me. I wonder if they ever see me out and feel sorry they threw me out. Most likely not. They all have cats of there own. There are just too many cats. I need to go somewhere that I am the only cat available.

I just keep running around this place. It seems like I am running in circles. No day looks different. All my days look the same. I have given up hope. I just have to figure out how to roam this world alone.

There seems to be a storm coming. I guess today will be a new adventure. I am going to find some food and run and hide. I really wish I had someone who let me stay in and keep me dry.

Alone

I am in a room full of “friends.” Yet I feel all alone. Most of them not knowing me at all. Many have hurt me, having no idea they have. Having the feeling, I don’t belong here. Will they ever understand me? No, they won’t. My life is so different than all of them. I don’t belong anywhere. Even at my house, I just want not to be there. I am always chasing people who don’t want me. Why?? I have no idea. When I am away, I miss everyone in my life. When I am present, I want to be somewhere else.

Not knowing where you belong in life sucks. I keep searching for happiness. I know that happiness comes from inside. You can’t find it. Yet I still search for it. I always wonder if I suppose to be alone in this world. If there really isn’t anyone for me. Maybe it’s the way I live my life. Being alone for the rest of my life makes me sad. I have so much to give, but no one ever seems to want it. Realizing a friend you thought was a friend really isn’t. That hurts a lot. Sadly it has happened so many times like at a deli line yelling ”next.” I become numb from the pain. I will never let them know how bad they have hurt me. It’s my fault for thinking they were a friend. You can never lose a true friend. Real friends don’t leave you ever.

When your car breaks down at 2 in the morning, the person you first call is your friend. When you get the best news ever and the first person you think of. That is your friend on the worse day of your life. The first person you call is your friend. It may be your mom, dad, sister, or even your kids.

Many do not understand my life. I think some times that it’s much better just to be alone. Some times I don’t know who I am supposed to be. I often wonder if my ”friends” see my pain. I try to be my best. Sometimes that isn’t good enough. I realize who really is my friend and who is not.

Losing and gaining friends and boyfriends has made me who I am today. With every loss teaches me a lesson. I hope to feel someday like I belong somewhere. For every friend, I lose is sadness. Also, I learn a lot. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. God puts people in your life for a reason.

Why have you not come home yet?????

The day you rescued me was the best day of my life. For some reason, I just could not find my forever home. Till the day you found me. I was running scared on the road. You picked me up and fed me great food. You brought me to your house. You and my mom are so lovely to me. You brought me to meet all your friends. I got to meet all of there other doggies and kitties. I had so much fun going on trips with you.

I really felt like, for the first time ever, I belonged. You and mommy would leave for a bit. I did get scared you would never return. I didn’t mean to bark to much. I was just afraid I was scared you would never return. I was so happy when you guys came back home. You told me not to worry; you would never leave me.

You and mommy were yelling. It scared me! I was braking. I just wanted you to stop the loud voices. The next thing I know, there was a loud noise. Mommy grabbed me and ran outside. She had water coming down her face. I licked her face to make the water stop. It didn’t help. Next thing I know, all these people were in our house.

We have not gone back home yet. You have not come and got us. Where are you? You said you would never leave me. Mommy is so sad. The water hasn’t stopped since we last saw you. Why haven’t you come yet???

Beyond sad

We woke up today to the worse news ever. You decided to leave this world to soon—so many questions. We will never understand why. Your decision will impact so many people for the rest of there lives. My son lost his best friend today. Why? You had your whole life in front of you. We never realized the pain you felt. The news of your passing has rocked all of us. You had so many people who would have helped. The pain I feel is for my sons. You have changed their lives forever.

You were always so caring. You always looked out for everyone. How could you just leave and not care? What it would do to everyone.

My son’s life will be changed forever. The loss of you will always stay with him. I can’t fix his pain. I can’t explain what I don’t understand. I hope to see my son be able to smile again. If I could take his pain away, I would.

Suicide is the most selfish thing. I can never understand it. Nothing can ever be that bad. I pray for my boys. I hope they can recover from this. Nothing will ever be the same. They will have to move on in life with the new standard, so many questions with no answers.

You will truly be missed. I pray for all of your family. I pray for all the ones you left behind.

You were only here for a short 19 years. At that time you helped a lot of people. You changed my son’s life. He will forever remember you.

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