It’s so nice out! Are we planing a beach day no! Are we looking for what bands are playing no! We heading out on a boat no! I never ever thought I would miss my friend so much! This new “normal” sucks! The news is so grim. I hate even listening to it. I fear for my parents so far away. I fear for every one. I try to stay home. I may go for a walk with no one around. I run in to stores to get what I can to feed my boys. No money coming in except from my ex for child support. That doesn’t cover the bills and food. I sit in this room day after day. I think screw it I will go to the front lines and work. Then the thought is if I get this? If I don’t live. My poor boys will have no one! I just can’t. I will just continue to try to pay who I can. Pray this all will end soon. Not knowing how long I can go with no money. This is not just my fear but thousands of people. Most likely more than that. Like if I go to work am I just causing this to spread to my family? Could I ever forgive myself if my sons got it? For money? It’s not worth my sons life. I have no idea when this will end. No one actually knows. I believe that is the scary part. How many more people have to die? Before people listen! I am poor as shit. No idea how to pay bills. Yet I stay home! The future is scary. This is going to cause some scary stuff. The world we are used to be won’t be any more. I try every day to think positive. I stay off social media for a couple of hours. I pray that some how this will all work out! Till then I smile
Now depending on what neighborhood your in your age,sex,and race. Being stopped my the police can be very different. I have had to deal with the police many times in my life. I have been treated very differently. When I lived in New Hampshire and lived in nice area. There approach would be way different. Now I live in what I like to call the “hood”. I have to learn the law and my rights . I have 2 boys in the teenage years. I have had to go toe to toe with police on many occasions.
The worst run in with the police was a little over a year ago. My youngest got caught taking something. It’s a long story he really didn’t know he was stealing. He actually had the money to buy it. Long story short they called me to come get him. They continued to judge me on where I lived. They wanted to hit my son with a felony. A child who has a higher IQ then every one in that room. Not caring about ruining a kids future. I freaked out and I was right! No charges! The cops literally looked upset that they could not ruin this kids future. WTF!!! When did this become a thing. When did they want to ruin any child to succeed in life. I have literally seen my boys on the ground being searched. I just happen to pull up. My 15 year old searched and thrown on the ground! WTF!!!!
It’s a power struggle. They make it that you never want to call them. This world is going crazy right now. I live in the hood. While every one was worried about TP. I was buying guns and ammo. No one in the hood will be calling the police. Stay safe every one! Make sure you hoard the right shit! ￼￼
I really wish I had some one that wanted to write for me. The shit that is in my head should be shared. After a rude blogger made fun of my spelling. I have tried not to blog that much. I have no one to prof read my blogs. Because of my learning disability it’s super hard for me. When some one calls me out on it I get me upset and feel stupid. My blogs just like my life. People promise me I will always help you blog. Then they don’t! I mess something up and they go away. What ever enough about that…
This world has gone crazy! I am scared to go out! I am scared to go near people! I am a people person. Today I threw on my headphones and danced and sang. The few people I saw just laughed and waved. This shit is real. I have always ended conversation with stay safe! Now that shit is for real! Stay safe! This world we live in will never be the same. I hope and pray that my family and none of my family members get this. I feel like I am playing Russian roulette￼ every time I leave this house. The horrible things I think about. What if I get this? What happens if I am one the many that die? I swear if we all make it threw this horrible time. If we all stay safe, I am going to live like no other! I am going to travel. I am going to get my shit together to move the hell out of this country! Peru we will be there as soon as the world goes back.
I know better don’t fall for a Tom cat! This tom cat is so much different then all the others. They usually run away fast. They never usually return. You always return.
The most kindest Tom cat I have ever met. You seem to find me where ever I show up. You always tell me find your self a good Tom cat. I don’t need any others just you. I think of you often. I know you are busy with a another kitty. You only stray when you can. I do realize that every time you are let out. You always find me! I do realize there are so many others you could be with.
Your on a different level of just the normal Tom cat. You have hung out with all my kitty friends. They have hard time understanding our situation. Some one left open the door. So he ran out. She always comes looking for her kitty. He is only aloud out for a awhile. In the short about of time we get I enjoy. I know you enjoy the time with me.
We are prefect for each other. My heart belongs to someone I can’t have. He belongs to some one who he needs to take care of him. Some how in this crazy world and situation we find each other. Until my heart can reconnect with whom it belongs to. I will keep playing the Tom cat games.
If I had all the money in world I would still rather live in the hood. People who have never had to hustle just to pay a bill. Would never ever understand the hood. I literally have friends who will never ever even come to my house. Does it offend me? Nope not in the slightest. Do I think it’s funny when people say well not in my neighborhood lol! That goes just like nope not my husband he would never! 15 years ago I was that person. I have learned you can live in the safest hood possible and not be safe. You can have the best marriage ever and still have it go to shit. I swear l laugh so hard when people say. I no where my hubby or wife is every minute. They could never. O how wrong they are. I love this one there aren’t any drugs or crime where I live. I have literally fallen down laughing. If they only had a clue.
Who am I to bust there bubble? Maybe there lies keep them happy at night. Maybe it’s like you really don’t want to no the answer so you don’t ask the questions? People literally will live there whole life living in there bubble. The problem is it only takes one sharp edge to make your bubble fall apart.
You ever ask your self why you get up every morning and go to a job you hate? I can tell you why. That is what we are taught. Go to work earn money. Slave your self just to get a paycheck. Just to pay the bills. Why because that’s the American dream right????
I can tell you right now when my youngest is 18. The 3 of will no longer be in this country. For now I am doing what I have to do. Will I ever go to job that I hate nope! Will I have to sell shit to pay a bill yep! Do I live in the hood yep! Am I happy? Yes!!! I do not need to live the American dream with the white fucking picket fence! Before long the government will be telling you what job you must work. In this “free” country that we live in. My next blog will be about how “free” we are. Till then it’s all good in my hood!
The question I hate most of all! Why does it matter what I do for a living? Let me back up for a minute.
First of all I am not career kinda person. I never have been nor will I be. Why in this world do woman need to get married have kids make a living. Just to fit in this Society. Well I fell for this crap got married had 2 great boys. Had it all even the stupid white picket fence. I was living the American dream right?
Wrong! I was in silent hell! Stuck with bills we couldn’t pay a horrible marriage. I did everything right I followed all of society’s rules. So why did I feel like I was in hell every day?
I was often told go back to school. Why??? I hate school. Get a career. Why?? Why must every one follow theses rules. ￼
I broke all the rules! I got divorced. I moved 12 hours away from everyone. Just the boys and I. Here we go again must get a job. I call it a job because I hate going there. They pay me and I go home. So what do I do for a living…..I work.
Today I really broke all the rules. I no longer work. So dating is fun lol. Line 2 every time so what do you do for a living? Why does it matter? I stand at corner and beg for money. Lol! I don’t really just always thought that would be funny to say lol. I am not asking you for money or to support me. Society says we must have life figured out and have a career by now. Well guess what I don’t! How I make a living has nothing to do with who I am. ￼
Who am I? No one will really ever no that. I am mom,worker, and a friend
None of them the same ever. I have different worlds all in one. I don’t think any one really knows me. The only person is me and only me. I can be who you need me to me at the moment. I can be happy Julie. I can be mean Julie. I can be fun Julie. I can be pissed off Julie.
I can be who you need me to be at the moment. That’s how I feel about my life. I never know who I am really. I can be who you need for the time. At times when I should feel happy. I feel like I shouldn’t be there. I feel like I don’t belong. It’s been a very long time since I felt complete. When I am in one place I feel like I should be some where else.
I would love to wake up one day not wanting to be some where else. Feeling like I belong where I am. Until I figure out my life this will be how it is. This stems from a years! When I was married being house wife and mom. I felt like I needed to be some where else.
Then I was left to be a single mom. The world was wide open. I was free finally! Was I happy?? Did I finally belong? No I don’t think I did. I still felt like I needed something else.
So I moved to a new city where I new no one! I needed that. It was good for a while I felt happy and complete. Now I am back to feeling like I need something else. I wake up feeling like I don’t belong here. Where do I belong? Where do I need to be? I hope to figure this out soon. Till then who am I ? I am who you need me to be at the moment….
Since I was born I was told don’t fall for a “tom’ cat. They are only good for fun. That being said fun they are! How do you know a “Tom” cat is a “Tom” cat. Well first of all if you see him out and about pretty sure he is. If he out all the time he is not domesticated. Some times in life all you want is “Tom” cat. If you want to run around and have some fun then they are perfect for you. Don’t expect him to be there in the morning. He will be out hunting for a new kitty by the time you wake up. ￼
Now can they become domesticated after running wild for so long? Yes and no. In time they will try to settle down they get tired of running around. Usually that only last a little while. ￼ Some one will leave a door open or a window open and out they go.
They have the chase in them and you can never change that. So when your out having fun and see a “Tom ” cat just remember they are just having fun. Will they ever come back? Sure they will if you feed a stray they alway eventually will come back. They don’t mean no harm. There just out having fun looking for a chase. No matter what they say they will leave in time. So don’t ever fall for a”Tom” cat you will end up getting your heart hurt. ￼
I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!
Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.
I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.
I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.
When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.
I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.
I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.
I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol
I wish life was as simple as the ocean. With every wave it erases everything. I wrote my name in the sand. Then a wave came and washed it away. You ever make a mistake and wish the wave would just erase it? I have done things in my life I am not proud of. It would take a flood to ease some of them.
Have you ever been in the ocean and have the waves beat you down. You try to stand and they just keeping knocking you down. That sums up my life. Some times there is a calm in ocean. I can stand freely and feel safe. Knowing at any point a big wave may come and knock me over.
No matter how many times the waves knock me over. I still try to stand back up. I no if I keep standing that eventually they will calm down again.
It’s when the big waves come and knock you down. You don’t try to stand back up is when there is a problem. If you stop fighting the waves. The ocean will win. It will take you away and you will be washed away.
You may feel like that is the best plan. It’s not! The ocean wants you to fight! Even though the ocean will never erase your mistakes. If the ocean is to rough just stand out and watch it for awhile. Let the waves pound the earth. Until your ready to deal with it.
Eventually you will be strong enough to handle even the big waves. Don’t fight so hard on the small waves save your energy for the big ones.
The best thing there are always people fighting the same waves. Some times it can make it easier to fight them together instead of alone.
Today I don’t feel like fighting the waves. Today I am just going to sit and watch them. Knowing I can’t always just sit and watch. I will have to get in and fight the waves. Hopefully there isn’t any big storms coming. So I can just relax and enjoy the the little waves for now………