Running from something or chasing something…..

I was on the plane, and a man sat next to me. Maybe he could see tears in eyes, perhaps not. He says, are you running from something or are chasing something? I said both. He said, please explain we have a 14-hour flight. You seem like you have an exciting story. I laughed and said if I started from the beginning, we need longer then 14 hours.

I said, well, would you like to hear what am I running from? Or would you rather listen to what I am chasing first? He said I want to know the past before the future.

I am running from a lot of bad decisions. Not sure why I made the choices I did. I caused myself a lot of pain. He said, why what did you do. Well, for starters, I chose to put people in my life that really shouldn’t have been in there. I never tell people when they hurt me. I just walk away. My life is full of people that have taken a piece of me away. I learned the hard way a friend can’t be ”lost.” No one can take away your true friend. I have met so many great people in every state. I have lived in. As one of my friends says, this too shall pass soon, and all will be great again! I hear those words daily. I often wonder if people know they hurt me as badly as they do. Or if they even care. He said, well, why don’t you tell them? Why? Then they would be nice again? Why would I want that I already saw their true colors? I feel like I kind of have a gift I see more than most. He says, how is that? I see people for who they are, for most people can not. I also know more than most people think I do.

I have only really trusted one guy with my heart. He says I assume it didn’t go well because he isn’t here. Once again, he was more important to me than I was to him. That is a very big pattern in my life. He planed a whole life without me and left. I mean it was great I wish I could have done it, but I had kids. If I were important to him, he would have waited for me. I would have waited for him. That’s just how my life has gone. Always there for everyone and no one there for me. Well, my parents and boys, I would have nothing if it weren’t for them.

I feel like I lived so many different lives. He says, why do you say that? Well, I have been broke and rich. I have married and single. He says, wait, you have been married? Is he the one you trusted with your heart? Sadly no. He was the cause of a lot of heartache in my life. That being said, he gave me the two best things no one else could. He gave me my boys. So far, he is the only man to put up for me for that long. I believe I was only supposed to marry once and only have my two boys. I believe there was a plan. There is a definite pattern in life. The only one that doesn’t fit is marriage and kids.

You’re going to have to explain that more he said. Since the age of like 14 till now. I never really dated anyone long term ever. The only person I did I married. I am usually not the girl people pick to date. Not sure why? Thinking it must be my personality or lifestyle. Maybe the only reason the one guy that stole my heart was because he the only one ever to pick me. Then again, in his mind, I was short term till his next life. So really, he wasn’t much different than the rest just better at hiding it. I think every time someone decides, I am not good enough to be there girlfriend; they take a piece of me away. I stopped even looking because of this. I was afraid there would be nothing left of me. It’s sad to me because I have so much to give. He asked, what does that mean? When I love someone as a friend or boyfriend, I take care of them.

More importantly, the worse of my patterns is losing ”friends.” Nothing worse than being betrayed by a friend, nothing. I hold a lot of pain in me. So much pain, I am starting not to know myself anymore.

He says, what do you mean by that? I figured everyone couldn’t be wrong, so it has to be me. The problem has to be me. How do I change me? How do I be the girl guys want to date how do I be that friend won’t get betrayed? I have yet figured out that question.

So you ask what I am running from? I am running from myself. I have already done this once before. I am hoping this time will be even better. He asked what you have done before? The boys and I moved far away from every one started new. Fresh Start! That’s how I know it’s me. The problem is with me. The only problem is I have no idea how to fix it. He says maybe stop running and tell them how bad they hurt you? I believe in Karma and for all who have wronged me will get what they should. I also thank them all for making me who I am today. Who knows maybe they will read my blog one day and realize what they have done. That’s interesting you write a blog? I said, yes, I do. He asks what I will be in your blog? You will be the man sitting next to me on a plane. Interesting…

How did I get here?

How do I keep getting myself in these situations? I am too old to be running around, trying to find out where I belong. I should be fat and happy house cat by now. Sadly I don’t believe my guy is coming back for me. I have many dreams where he finds me. I have forgotten how his voice sounds. I wonder if he even remembers me. I am sure he has other Kittys now. I thought I was special, but I guess I am not. I used to search for him. I know I have been everywhere. Why did he have to leave me? I know he said he had to go far away. But why????

There was a bad storm, the wind and rain were so scary. I found a safe place to watch. I hope all my friends did, ok. I have been walking around haven’t seen them yet. I wonder if my guy knows that there was a storm. That I had to brave it all alone, I always wonder why house Kittys always want to get out; I just want to get in a house. If they had any idea how hard and scary it is out there, they would change their minds.

I do have to say the few times I have been taken in. I did get a little bored. I do like to roam around. Maybe I’m not a good house cat. Perhaps I was born to roam freely. I do have so much love to give. I do love taking care of everyone. I just figured at this time in my life things would have come together. Well another storm is in the sky. Going to run and hide.

Lost in this crazy world

Lately, I am just lost. I can’t find myself. I’ve been taken in and thrown out so many times. I have just given up. I can’t find someone to love me if I can’t love myself. I used to wake up with a purpose. Now it just seems like I roam around. It even looks like all the tomcats have found someone.

Not sure how I got there but managed to find one of the places I used to stay. I saw her sitting in my window. The place I sat a year ago. I wonder why she got chosen, and I got thrown out. I sat and watched awhile until my heart hurt. I realized I would never be selected. I will most likely walk this world alone. Am I that bad of a Kitty? Lots of people stop and pet me, and they even give me food. Then they just move on. I often wonder if anyone ever thinks about me. If anyone ever misses me. I wonder if they ever see me out and feel sorry they threw me out. Most likely not. They all have cats of there own. There are just too many cats. I need to go somewhere that I am the only cat available.

I just keep running around this place. It seems like I am running in circles. No day looks different. All my days look the same. I have given up hope. I just have to figure out how to roam this world alone.

There seems to be a storm coming. I guess today will be a new adventure. I am going to find some food and run and hide. I really wish I had someone who let me stay in and keep me dry.

Cat Nap

I was awoken by a dog barking. The big ball of fire isn’t even up, yet. Lately it really doesn’t matter what time I roam around. It seems like there are more cats and dogs out, then humans.

No one wants to even pet me anymore. Lots of dogs are out, so I can’t even sneak in through the back yard. I am out roaming for food, and for any kind affection. People seem scared when they see me; I don’t understand. What have I done so wrong that no one wants me? I am hungry and my normal places have no food out.

Where are all the humans? Where is all the good food? Every human I see out has a dog with them. Dogs are fun to play with, but not when humans have them. The little humans seem to like me still. They always call me and pet me. They don’t seem to be bothered. From whatever has these humans are scared of. I have talked to my kitty friends. They have no idea. All they know is there is no food anywhere! I see my human friends. They also roam the streets with me. They said your lucky kitty! You can’t get this thing that kills us. Omg, I hope my human is safe! I know he left me to roam this damn world alone. I still remember my human. I miss him every night. I wonder if it even thinks about me? I am sure he has another kitty where ever he is. If I ever see my human again, I would forgive him. I would love to stop searching for a safe place to sleep and eat. No other human seems to want me. I have given up on even looking. Well, the dog has stopped barking. The ball of fire is still hidden. I found a comfy little spot. Back to my cat nap……

Searching

I walk in to my regular bar. Band is playing they are doing great! I feel the need to walk around. What am I searching for? I know your not here so what or who am I looking for? I take a glance around for familiar faces. I see some stop and say my hellos. Then on I go searching for ……. I don’t even know I kinda want to just walk away and walk the beach in hope I will find what I am searching for.

The band is playing the alcohol its flowing by the bartenders. (That was the last thing sober Julie had wrote)

Man with the blue shirt tried to be you. He grabbed my hand tried dancing with me. He is not you. Can’t dance at all. I danced the night away wishing I was with you. Sober Julie is way gone and drunk Julie has taken over. I am smiling and happy on the out side. While in the inside I feel like I a dying. The pain of you never being there with me again. Pain I will never dance the night away with you again.

Tonight people will only see what I want them to see. That is fake smile and no tears. Not sure what’s harder being happy or faking it. I have the feeling of I don’t belong. I have that feeling every where I am. So where do I belong? I feel like that book not my momma. It’s a bird trying to find who he belongs with. I have no idea. I don’t feel like I belong when I am out or when I am home or at work. Where do I belong? I feel like I need a tag return to sender. I was meditating one day I closed my eyes I got in a very happy place. I struggled to see who I was with. Where did my mind take me and with who? I was in shocked who actually was in my pease place. Oddly I will never see him again. I will never speak to him again. My heart and head are not in the same spot. Some day I will belong I hope. One day I will find some one that is good for my heart and head. Till then I will fake my smile and dance threw life. Till we meet again on this side or the other…….

Hit by the blue lights

Now depending on what neighborhood your in your age,sex,and race. Being stopped my the police can be very different. I have had to deal with the police many times in my life. I have been treated very differently. When I lived in New Hampshire and lived in nice area. There approach would be way different. Now I live in what I like to call the “hood”. I have to learn the law and my rights . I have 2 boys in the teenage years. I have had to go toe to toe with police on many occasions.

The worst run in with the police was a little over a year ago. My youngest got caught taking something. It’s a long story he really didn’t know he was stealing. He actually had the money to buy it. Long story short they called me to come get him. They continued to judge me on where I lived. They wanted to hit my son with a felony. A child who has a higher IQ then every one in that room. Not caring about ruining a kids future. I freaked out and I was right! No charges! The cops literally looked upset that they could not ruin this kids future. WTF!!! When did this become a thing. When did they want to ruin any child to succeed in life. I have literally seen my boys on the ground being searched. I just happen to pull up. My 15 year old searched and thrown on the ground! WTF!!!!

It’s a power struggle. They make it that you never want to call them. This world is going crazy right now. I live in the hood. While every one was worried about TP. I was buying guns and ammo. No one in the hood will be calling the police. Stay safe every one! Make sure you hoard the right shit! 

Crazy!!!!

I really wish I had some one that wanted to write for me. The shit that is in my head should be shared. After a rude blogger made fun of my spelling. I have tried not to blog that much. I have no one to prof read my blogs. Because of my learning disability it’s super hard for me. When some one calls me out on it I get me upset and feel stupid. My blogs just like my life. People promise me I will always help you blog. Then they don’t! I mess something up and they go away. What ever enough about that…

This world has gone crazy! I am scared to go out! I am scared to go near people! I am a people person. Today I threw on my headphones and danced and sang. The few people I saw just laughed and waved. This shit is real. I have always ended conversation with stay safe! Now that shit is for real! Stay safe! This world we live in will never be the same. I hope and pray that my family and none of my family members get this. I feel like I am playing Russian roulette every time I leave this house. The horrible things I think about. What if I get this? What happens if I am one the many that die? I swear if we all make it threw this horrible time. If we all stay safe, I am going to live like no other! I am going to travel. I am going to get my shit together to move the hell out of this country! Peru we will be there as soon as the world goes back.

I know better!!

I know better don’t fall for a Tom cat! This tom cat is so much different then all the others. They usually run away fast. They never usually return. You always return.

The most kindest Tom cat I have ever met. You seem to find me where ever I show up. You always tell me find your self a good Tom cat. I don’t need any others just you. I think of you often. I know you are busy with a another kitty. You only stray when you can. I do realize that every time you are let out. You always find me! I do realize there are so many others you could be with.

Your on a different level of just the normal Tom cat. You have hung out with all my kitty friends. They have hard time understanding our situation. Some one left open the door. So he ran out. She always comes looking for her kitty. He is only aloud out for a awhile. In the short about of time we get I enjoy. I know you enjoy the time with me.

We are prefect for each other. My heart belongs to someone I can’t have. He belongs to some one who he needs to take care of him. Some how in this crazy world and situation we find each other. Until my heart can reconnect with whom it belongs to. I will keep playing the Tom cat games.

If I cared….

While sober and cleared mind. I can tell you I don’t give a damn…

If I have I have ever told you I love you while not sober. Believe me it’s true. If I have ever cried about you while not sober. You are super important.

The sober Julie is broken. She cares for family and pets that’s all. They are the only ones never to hurt her.

Once asked if you had to leave right now what would you take. Easy my boys,pets, parents, and passports! That’s all. I have nothing that can’t be replaced. Is that sad at my age? Who the fucks knows. All I no I could care less about material shit. Judge me or not. I don’t give a shit really. I am at the point in my life. I am done sugar coding shit! You piss me off! You will no! To many times I have just let shit go! Nope not any more. I have nothing to lose and tons to gain.

If you are one of the many to fuck me over in my life. Well I am here to tell you fuck off! If you are one of them to say….You deserve so much better….fuck if I hear that line one more time in life….. I may just kick drop them.

Who the fuck are you tell me what I need! I need you! How many times I have sat there hearing this bs! I deserve so much better Bla Bla. Well guess what so much better isn’t knocking at my door. Because you thought I needed more then you. Please men stop using that line! It’s the worse. I was happy and you weren’t so…… I guess what your saying is you need some one better. This line is just like your a great fuck but I don’t want to date you. Am I sad fuck no! I love my life! Most do not understand my life. I don’t really care.

There are few people who I love . They have no idea. If I ever lost them in my life . It would it crush me more then I can handle. I have lost a few who I love so much. Just wishing even a text some day would make me smile. Not sober or sober the love I have for them is so strong! It will last years!

Good in the hood

If I had all the money in world I would still rather live in the hood. People who have never had to hustle just to pay a bill. Would never ever understand the hood. I literally have friends who will never ever even come to my house. Does it offend me? Nope not in the slightest. Do I think it’s funny when people say well not in my neighborhood lol! That goes just like nope not my husband he would never! 15 years ago I was that person. I have learned you can live in the safest hood possible and not be safe. You can have the best marriage ever and still have it go to shit. I swear l laugh so hard when people say. I no where my hubby or wife is every minute. They could never. O how wrong they are. I love this one there aren’t any drugs or crime where I live. I have literally fallen down laughing. If they only had a clue.

Who am I to bust there bubble? Maybe there lies keep them happy at night. Maybe it’s like you really don’t want to no the answer so you don’t ask the questions? People literally will live there whole life living in there bubble. The problem is it only takes one sharp edge to make your bubble fall apart.

You ever ask your self why you get up every morning and go to a job you hate? I can tell you why. That is what we are taught. Go to work earn money. Slave your self just to get a paycheck. Just to pay the bills. Why because that’s the American dream right????

I can tell you right now when my youngest is 18. The 3 of will no longer be in this country. For now I am doing what I have to do. Will I ever go to job that I hate nope! Will I have to sell shit to pay a bill yep! Do I live in the hood yep! Am I happy? Yes!!! I do not need to live the American dream with the white fucking picket fence! Before long the government will be telling you what job you must work. In this “free” country that we live in. My next blog will be about how “free” we are. Till then it’s all good in my hood!

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: