Your past will catch up to you

Best saying don’t let your past be your future. The only problem with that is if you lie, your lies become your future. You can not outrun lies. It’s like three mayor rules do not lie, cheat, or steal. For some reason, people have a hard time following these three simple rules in life. Not sure why? One lie because of another, and then it snowballs. It is unfortunate to see some will never learn. You are not caring who their lies hurt. I hate when they say I was protecting you. You should never and never have to lie to someone. You are only prolonging their pain. Treat others as you want to be treated—another easy rule.

In some ways, most people live a lie. They own stuff that’s not theirs. They buy on credit. If you live on credit, you live a lie. Unfortunately, that’s the American way. People live in houses they really can’t afford; they drive cars they can not afford. Why? Well, it’s the American way. My eyes, you’re stupid! If you don’t have cash for it, don’t buy it! Stop living a lie! I live in the hood. Why? Because that’s what I can afford. I refuse to live a lie. I did that for way too many years. Was I happy? No! Not at all. Am I happy now that I live the truth? Hell yeah! You should try it. Most will never. They are so glad living there lie. Until it all falls apart, trust me, when it all falls apart, and it will, it sucks! All lies catch up one way or another.

Run kitty run

Ugh, it’s cold again! I am out in the cold ! No one cares! Why do people think cats don’t feel pain! Well, we do, and we get sad when you leave us. When you throw us out in the cold and never come for us. We are scared and sad. Not any cat can take our place. We are all not the same! I am out in this damn cold because some other cat took my place! They are not me, and they can never replace me. Humans are so cruel! They take us in show us this great life then just throw us away. Trust me if I see that cat there will be a fight!

How dare she to take what I had! But then again, your just to blame! How dare you throw me out with no care. You just figured someone else would save me. Well, guess what, no one did. You moved on, and I am out roaming in this cold alone. Are you happy??? Happy that I am sad? Glad that I am alone, scared, and cold? Why would you care? You have another kitty. You had another kitty before you even kicked me out. Hoping I would be someone else’s problem. Well, don’t worry, you are free of me. I have stopped searching for you. I will never have that feeling of being safe again. I will always be on the run.

I know better than to trust, but sometimes I forget. The comfort takes over, and guards come down. I am too old for this. I should be warm and being taken care of. Instead, I am out here in the damn cold. At least my heart is safe!

Lies, lies and more lies

Was what we had even real??? I would have to say no. I really thought you were different than all of them. No, no, you weren’t. If not, you were worse. You lied and then lied more. Am I upset? Am I hurt? No, I am actually happy that I wasn’t crazy. I knew all along. Is what you did forgivable no, no, it isn’t. Not at all. You not only lied; you crushed me. You destroyed me! Just to know that you walked away from me just to be someone else. That you destroyed me with no care in the world. Not only did I love you, but you were also my friend! Do I feel better now that I know the truth? Yes, I do. Now I can move on. Realizing I was nothing to you, does it hurt? Yes, it does. Will I recover? Yes, I have already, kind of like putting a puzzle together and not being able to find the last few pieces. Well, I found them. Now I can put it to together and uncover a new mystery.

I wish you all the happens in the world. I love you still like my friend. I will never walk away as a friend. Would I ever trust you with my heart? No! Never! That part of my life with you is over. Do I question the time we spent together? Yes, I do. I hope all the lies were worth it. Not sure what I did in this life never to deserve love but I should if known. I’m like that stray cat that everyone loves till they get to close. I knew who you were when I got involved. It was my bad to think I was special. I knew better then to give you my heart.

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You are free of me and the past. I now know the truth, and now you can move on freely. Maybe someday I will find someone to love me. If not, I will survive. I love myself. Don’t worry about me; I am just fine. Just like the day you left me at the beach. Just to be with someone else. I hope she was worth it. I hope she takes care of you and gives you love that I couldn’t. I feel stupid that I thought you actually loved me. I was nothing but a fling to you. I am sorry for making you carry this lie for so long. I actually feel bad for you. I could never live with that lie. Then again, I could never destroy someone like you did. The lies are over. You are free

No!!!!!!!

A word I have such a hard time saying! How do you tell someone I don’t want you to pick me up! Is it because I’m so little and cute? At first, it’s ok. Can’t you tell I am squirming around? Can you not see I am uncomfortable? Sometimes I will just sit there and deal with it. Then I get annoyed. I yell and scream, and I may even scratch you. I don’t mean it, but I just couldn’t tell you NO! I don’t want to upset you. I know you just want to love on me. You mean no harm. I wish to be left alone. You have to wait for me to want you to pick me up. I can not guarantee that I will. ……

Just because I am out here roaming this world alone doesn’t mean I need you or even want you. Your not my owner, who left me. You can never be him. I may have forgotten how his voice sounded. I may have forgotten how I loved him to hold me. I am 100 percent positive if I ever see him again, he can pick me up. I search for him daily. I go back to the place he left me. He isn’t there. I know people don’t mean to upset me. I just don’t understand why they always want to pick me up! You can talk to me and pet me. Well, not always. Sometimes I wish to be left alone. I know I will walk this world alone unless I change my ways. But I am an old cat, and I don’t see that happening. There are days that I am sad and all I want is someone to pick me up and cuddle me. Those days are usually the days no one is around or cares that I am sad and lonely.

Words I can’t stand. You’re too cute and friendly to be a stray. Why do they assume I don’t like being a stray? I tried the house cat thing. I failed at it and ended back out on the streets. I believe this is where I belong. Why do they assume that I need someone? I mean, I miss the excellent food I used to get. Having to search for food every day gets tiring. I miss the nice comfy bed I would sleep in. Mainly I miss having someone love me. I have gotten catnapped before. They picked me up and brought me in a thing that went fast. It took me days to escape, and when I did, I had no idea where I was. It took me days to get back in my hood. I do have to run away from the pet police. If they get a hold of me, an old kitty like me doesn’t stand a chance to make it out alive. Will I give in one day and be a house kitty again? I guess time will tell. For right now, there are enough Tomcats to keep me happy. So if you see a cute kitty, don’t assume they want you to pick them up. You may say, why not just run away? The truth is profound down, I am really a scared kitty, and I really like attention and miss it so much. When receiving attention, I like it a lot. I know it’s false and short-lived. So I take what I can get for a short about of time.

Running from something or chasing something…..

I was on the plane, and a man sat next to me. Maybe he could see tears in eyes, perhaps not. He says, are you running from something or are chasing something? I said both. He said, please explain we have a 14-hour flight. You seem like you have an exciting story. I laughed and said if I started from the beginning, we need longer then 14 hours.

I said, well, would you like to hear what am I running from? Or would you rather listen to what I am chasing first? He said I want to know the past before the future.

I am running from a lot of bad decisions. Not sure why I made the choices I did. I caused myself a lot of pain. He said, why what did you do. Well, for starters, I chose to put people in my life that really shouldn’t have been in there. I never tell people when they hurt me. I just walk away. My life is full of people that have taken a piece of me away. I learned the hard way a friend can’t be ”lost.” No one can take away your true friend. I have met so many great people in every state. I have lived in. As one of my friends says, this too shall pass soon, and all will be great again! I hear those words daily. I often wonder if people know they hurt me as badly as they do. Or if they even care. He said, well, why don’t you tell them? Why? Then they would be nice again? Why would I want that I already saw their true colors? I feel like I kind of have a gift I see more than most. He says, how is that? I see people for who they are, for most people can not. I also know more than most people think I do.

I have only really trusted one guy with my heart. He says I assume it didn’t go well because he isn’t here. Once again, he was more important to me than I was to him. That is a very big pattern in my life. He planed a whole life without me and left. I mean it was great I wish I could have done it, but I had kids. If I were important to him, he would have waited for me. I would have waited for him. That’s just how my life has gone. Always there for everyone and no one there for me. Well, my parents and boys, I would have nothing if it weren’t for them.

I feel like I lived so many different lives. He says, why do you say that? Well, I have been broke and rich. I have married and single. He says, wait, you have been married? Is he the one you trusted with your heart? Sadly no. He was the cause of a lot of heartache in my life. That being said, he gave me the two best things no one else could. He gave me my boys. So far, he is the only man to put up for me for that long. I believe I was only supposed to marry once and only have my two boys. I believe there was a plan. There is a definite pattern in life. The only one that doesn’t fit is marriage and kids.

You’re going to have to explain that more he said. Since the age of like 14 till now. I never really dated anyone long term ever. The only person I did I married. I am usually not the girl people pick to date. Not sure why? Thinking it must be my personality or lifestyle. Maybe the only reason the one guy that stole my heart was because he the only one ever to pick me. Then again, in his mind, I was short term till his next life. So really, he wasn’t much different than the rest just better at hiding it. I think every time someone decides, I am not good enough to be there girlfriend; they take a piece of me away. I stopped even looking because of this. I was afraid there would be nothing left of me. It’s sad to me because I have so much to give. He asked, what does that mean? When I love someone as a friend or boyfriend, I take care of them.

More importantly, the worse of my patterns is losing ”friends.” Nothing worse than being betrayed by a friend, nothing. I hold a lot of pain in me. So much pain, I am starting not to know myself anymore.

He says, what do you mean by that? I figured everyone couldn’t be wrong, so it has to be me. The problem has to be me. How do I change me? How do I be the girl guys want to date how do I be that friend won’t get betrayed? I have yet figured out that question.

So you ask what I am running from? I am running from myself. I have already done this once before. I am hoping this time will be even better. He asked what you have done before? The boys and I moved far away from every one started new. Fresh Start! That’s how I know it’s me. The problem is with me. The only problem is I have no idea how to fix it. He says maybe stop running and tell them how bad they hurt you? I believe in Karma and for all who have wronged me will get what they should. I also thank them all for making me who I am today. Who knows maybe they will read my blog one day and realize what they have done. That’s interesting you write a blog? I said, yes, I do. He asks what I will be in your blog? You will be the man sitting next to me on a plane. Interesting…

How did I get here?

How do I keep getting myself in these situations? I am too old to be running around, trying to find out where I belong. I should be fat and happy house cat by now. Sadly I don’t believe my guy is coming back for me. I have many dreams where he finds me. I have forgotten how his voice sounds. I wonder if he even remembers me. I am sure he has other Kittys now. I thought I was special, but I guess I am not. I used to search for him. I know I have been everywhere. Why did he have to leave me? I know he said he had to go far away. But why????

There was a bad storm, the wind and rain were so scary. I found a safe place to watch. I hope all my friends did, ok. I have been walking around haven’t seen them yet. I wonder if my guy knows that there was a storm. That I had to brave it all alone, I always wonder why house Kittys always want to get out; I just want to get in a house. If they had any idea how hard and scary it is out there, they would change their minds.

I do have to say the few times I have been taken in. I did get a little bored. I do like to roam around. Maybe I’m not a good house cat. Perhaps I was born to roam freely. I do have so much love to give. I do love taking care of everyone. I just figured at this time in my life things would have come together. Well another storm is in the sky. Going to run and hide.

Lost in this crazy world

Lately, I am just lost. I can’t find myself. I’ve been taken in and thrown out so many times. I have just given up. I can’t find someone to love me if I can’t love myself. I used to wake up with a purpose. Now it just seems like I roam around. It even looks like all the tomcats have found someone.

Not sure how I got there but managed to find one of the places I used to stay. I saw her sitting in my window. The place I sat a year ago. I wonder why she got chosen, and I got thrown out. I sat and watched awhile until my heart hurt. I realized I would never be selected. I will most likely walk this world alone. Am I that bad of a Kitty? Lots of people stop and pet me, and they even give me food. Then they just move on. I often wonder if anyone ever thinks about me. If anyone ever misses me. I wonder if they ever see me out and feel sorry they threw me out. Most likely not. They all have cats of there own. There are just too many cats. I need to go somewhere that I am the only cat available.

I just keep running around this place. It seems like I am running in circles. No day looks different. All my days look the same. I have given up hope. I just have to figure out how to roam this world alone.

There seems to be a storm coming. I guess today will be a new adventure. I am going to find some food and run and hide. I really wish I had someone who let me stay in and keep me dry.

Cat Nap

I was awoken by a dog barking. The big ball of fire isn’t even up, yet. Lately it really doesn’t matter what time I roam around. It seems like there are more cats and dogs out, then humans.

No one wants to even pet me anymore. Lots of dogs are out, so I can’t even sneak in through the back yard. I am out roaming for food, and for any kind affection. People seem scared when they see me; I don’t understand. What have I done so wrong that no one wants me? I am hungry and my normal places have no food out.

Where are all the humans? Where is all the good food? Every human I see out has a dog with them. Dogs are fun to play with, but not when humans have them. The little humans seem to like me still. They always call me and pet me. They don’t seem to be bothered. From whatever has these humans are scared of. I have talked to my kitty friends. They have no idea. All they know is there is no food anywhere! I see my human friends. They also roam the streets with me. They said your lucky kitty! You can’t get this thing that kills us. Omg, I hope my human is safe! I know he left me to roam this damn world alone. I still remember my human. I miss him every night. I wonder if it even thinks about me? I am sure he has another kitty where ever he is. If I ever see my human again, I would forgive him. I would love to stop searching for a safe place to sleep and eat. No other human seems to want me. I have given up on even looking. Well, the dog has stopped barking. The ball of fire is still hidden. I found a comfy little spot. Back to my cat nap……

Searching

I walk in to my regular bar. Band is playing they are doing great! I feel the need to walk around. What am I searching for? I know your not here so what or who am I looking for? I take a glance around for familiar faces. I see some stop and say my hellos. Then on I go searching for ……. I don’t even know I kinda want to just walk away and walk the beach in hope I will find what I am searching for.

The band is playing the alcohol its flowing by the bartenders. (That was the last thing sober Julie had wrote)

Man with the blue shirt tried to be you. He grabbed my hand tried dancing with me. He is not you. Can’t dance at all. I danced the night away wishing I was with you. Sober Julie is way gone and drunk Julie has taken over. I am smiling and happy on the out side. While in the inside I feel like I a dying. The pain of you never being there with me again. Pain I will never dance the night away with you again.

Tonight people will only see what I want them to see. That is fake smile and no tears. Not sure what’s harder being happy or faking it. I have the feeling of I don’t belong. I have that feeling every where I am. So where do I belong? I feel like that book not my momma. It’s a bird trying to find who he belongs with. I have no idea. I don’t feel like I belong when I am out or when I am home or at work. Where do I belong? I feel like I need a tag return to sender. I was meditating one day I closed my eyes I got in a very happy place. I struggled to see who I was with. Where did my mind take me and with who? I was in shocked who actually was in my pease place. Oddly I will never see him again. I will never speak to him again. My heart and head are not in the same spot. Some day I will belong I hope. One day I will find some one that is good for my heart and head. Till then I will fake my smile and dance threw life. Till we meet again on this side or the other…….

Hit by the blue lights

Now depending on what neighborhood your in your age,sex,and race. Being stopped my the police can be very different. I have had to deal with the police many times in my life. I have been treated very differently. When I lived in New Hampshire and lived in nice area. There approach would be way different. Now I live in what I like to call the “hood”. I have to learn the law and my rights . I have 2 boys in the teenage years. I have had to go toe to toe with police on many occasions.

The worst run in with the police was a little over a year ago. My youngest got caught taking something. It’s a long story he really didn’t know he was stealing. He actually had the money to buy it. Long story short they called me to come get him. They continued to judge me on where I lived. They wanted to hit my son with a felony. A child who has a higher IQ then every one in that room. Not caring about ruining a kids future. I freaked out and I was right! No charges! The cops literally looked upset that they could not ruin this kids future. WTF!!! When did this become a thing. When did they want to ruin any child to succeed in life. I have literally seen my boys on the ground being searched. I just happen to pull up. My 15 year old searched and thrown on the ground! WTF!!!!

It’s a power struggle. They make it that you never want to call them. This world is going crazy right now. I live in the hood. While every one was worried about TP. I was buying guns and ammo. No one in the hood will be calling the police. Stay safe every one! Make sure you hoard the right shit! 

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