Good in the hood

If I had all the money in world I would still rather live in the hood. People who have never had to hustle just to pay a bill. Would never ever understand the hood. I literally have friends who will never ever even come to my house. Does it offend me? Nope not in the slightest. Do I think it’s funny when people say well not in my neighborhood lol! That goes just like nope not my husband he would never! 15 years ago I was that person. I have learned you can live in the safest hood possible and not be safe. You can have the best marriage ever and still have it go to shit. I swear l laugh so hard when people say. I no where my hubby or wife is every minute. They could never. O how wrong they are. I love this one there aren’t any drugs or crime where I live. I have literally fallen down laughing. If they only had a clue.

Who am I to bust there bubble? Maybe there lies keep them happy at night. Maybe it’s like you really don’t want to no the answer so you don’t ask the questions? People literally will live there whole life living in there bubble. The problem is it only takes one sharp edge to make your bubble fall apart.

You ever ask your self why you get up every morning and go to a job you hate? I can tell you why. That is what we are taught. Go to work earn money. Slave your self just to get a paycheck. Just to pay the bills. Why because that’s the American dream right????

I can tell you right now when my youngest is 18. The 3 of will no longer be in this country. For now I am doing what I have to do. Will I ever go to job that I hate nope! Will I have to sell shit to pay a bill yep! Do I live in the hood yep! Am I happy? Yes!!! I do not need to live the American dream with the white fucking picket fence! Before long the government will be telling you what job you must work. In this “free” country that we live in. My next blog will be about how “free” we are. Till then it’s all good in my hood!

Wtf

I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!

Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.

I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.

I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.

When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.

I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.

I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.

I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol

Freedom

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What is worth losing your freedom for? Have you ever really thought about it? Have you ever had to much to drink and yet still drive home? Just like that you could lose your freedom. One dumb night one dumb decision. Just like that you could be put in jail. I learned my leson when I was 20. I went out drinking and drove. I crashed my car(I loved that car). I don’t remember much but I very clearly remeber the sound of the slamming of the door. That sound I have never ever forgot.

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Is making money worth losing your freedon? Most people would say nope not me. I can guarantee that most people risk it every day. Either by making bad decisions or greed. What if you needed something to survive but didn’t have money for it?

For me no money in the world is worth chancing it. I live my life one paycheck away from being homeless. Is that a great way to live. Hell no it’s not. It’s stressful and hard. I no for sure the police will not lock me up for being broke. My son likes to argue this point. He believes that we give up our freedom by going to work every day. That every one is just doing what you are trained to do. 

I often wonder if the people who risk there freedom every day. If they have ever lost there freedom. If they no how it feels not to be able to leave. I can tell you it’s horrible. So I guess my question is how much are you willing to risk?

My blog…

In some of my blogs I am a cat. Some ask why a cat. Well really it could be a dog or a cat. I tell the story threw there eyes. Some of my stories are things that have happened some are just stories. I think of my self more of a cat. I only want to you touch me when I want to be touched. I only show love when I am ready. I can survive on my own. Cats are very efficient. They can survive on very little. They can be needy or very independent. Depending on the cat. Also depending on there mood.

A dog reminds me more of men. No offense to men. A dog needs some one to love always. They don’t do well on there own. They can’t be left alone for to long or they get them selves in trouble. You can train a dog but not so much a cat. Dogs are loyal to the person who takes care of them. So for me I believe I am more of cat.

My blogs are not always things that have happened to me. They are sometimes what happened to other people. Also things mixed with past and present. There is no need to read more into my blogs. They are just stories in my head. So please enjoy my blogs. I go back and forth from a cat to real things.

How????

You say, “Don’t be sad.” How?!? You plan your future without me. But yet, I am laying next to you. With every day of more and more hurt, its like being dead and watching someone plan your funeral.

You say, “Aren’t you happy for me?” Um, No. I am not. How could I be? Your life won’t have me in it. There is nothing making you go; only just to do it. Hurt doesn’t even to begin to explain what I feel. Sad doesn’t either. Knowing you are choosing to leave and plan a future without me; words can’t even explain how it feels.

Maybe I was what you needed; for so long, everyone hurt you. I get to be the person you destroy; you get to be the one this time. I understand I am nothing to you; just someone to pass time along until your dream became a reality. Can I ever forgive you for hurting me like this? No! I can’t. The day you leave will be the last time I see you.

How stupid of me to let my heart heal. You are no different then everyone else. The fact that you’re leaving is one thing, but to plan a whole future without me, is unforgivable.

I am glad I got to be the one. It’s been so long since I felt anything at all. I will enjoy the time we have left, but don’t ask me to be happy for you. I will not throw you a party. I don’t want you to go. Your time is not done here, yet. I hope your life is all, and more than you want. I would never wish you anything less. Just understand what your leaving behind. You’re so busy planing your future, you’re forgetting who is standing next to you…..

If cats could cry

If cats could cry, my whiskers would soaked with tears. The other night when you were crying, I licked your tears away. Wishing I could also cry. I finally found a safe place to stay; a place I would love to call home. All you say is you can’t wait to leave. You don’t have to leave me, but you choose to. Why do you still hold me and tell me you miss me while your gone? I have never done any thing wrong. All I did was let you play with me. I purr the minute I see you. I never want morning to come. With each night that passes, you get closer and closer to leaving me. Don’t you worry that someone might take me? What if I get lost and starve to death? How could you just leave me, and not care?

I know there is another cat waiting for you there. She won’t be anything like me. I am the best cat out there, and you have me. You’re just going throw me out and leave? Why??!? What on earth did I do so wrong? I look at you with sad eyes. I love you and I don’t want you to go. All I can do is show you. If cats could cry…..

Distracted Driving

Distracted Driving. No, I’m not talking about using your cell phone, but yeah that is a problem. I am talking about your mind distracting you. Have you ever driven somewhere and thought, “How the hell did I get here? How was I so lost in thought that I just got here. Did I stop at any red lights?”

This is what is wrong with our world, we are so busy in our heads that we don’t see anything. Some people live only 15 minutes from the ocean, and yet, they haven’t been there in years; it’s true when people say this. I am like, “WTF!” When I lived in New Hampshire. People would see mountains all day, but drive right past them and have never climbed one.

Me, on the other hand, bought a book to help me find every mountain I could climb within 4 hours from me. I climbed a mountain every weekend. Now that I live by the ocean I try to go to the beach every week; even in the winter. If I put my toes in and they don’t freeze, I jump right in, clothes and all. I live for the moment and enjoy where I am.

I live in a place where people save up all year just to visit for a week. Yet, I get caught up in life and forget where I am going. We become robots; get up, go to work, come home, relax. Yet, we live where people go on vacation.

It’s a good thing our red lights are 5 minutes long. For real. Moving from the north, I really thought the stoplights were broke. Maybe they make them take so long, so you have time to slow down and look around; take in everything. Next time your at a red light, think “Maybe I need to look around.” If your not stuck in your own mind.

What if?

Have you ever wondered what if I didn’t do something, how different would my life be? What was the reason I met this person? Is it fate? Is it just the way it was supposed to be? The night I re-met my, now ex-hubby, I wasn’t even suppose to go out. My friend called me at the last minute and asked me to join him. I remember this so clear, because I have gone over it hundred times in my head. I really didn’t want to go out at all. It was like something in me said that I had to go. I then sat out on my car for an hour, waiting for my friend to come. He was running late because he had car trouble, so it’s odd that I stayed and waited.

He was literally leaving the next week for New York. He had his orders and everything was planned. It all changed after that night.

After that night we will go on to be married for 12 years, have two kids, and many houses.

What if and why? Why did I go? Did someone have plans for us, and we don’t know it? I do not believe we meet people by accident. I believe there is a reason for everything. Sometimes we just have to figure it out…like a puzzle.

This is a story that, until now, I have only shared with close friends. I was working one night, and a guy came to work with me. I instantly felt a connection; one that I have never felt with my husband. Yes, I was still very married, and I just had my youngest he was 4 months old.

He must have felt the connection, too. He smiled at me,  and from there, it was an emotional affair. I was totally ignored by my hubby, because I had just become a wife and mother of kids. The physical and metal abuse was at its all time high.

While the boys were playing,or taking naps, I would find him online we would chat for hours. It had been so long since I felt wanted. I felt excited to go to work, and we would have dinner together. I can not explain the connection I felt with him, but as fast as I met him, it was just as fast as I lost him.

I went to sign onto the computer one day, like have for maybe 6 months. He was offline and offline he will stay. Why???? I now believe he was there to test me; to see how far I would go. Oddly, my ex knew nothing of any of this… nothing at all. But after this, I realized that I did love my husband, well, as much as I ever did. We were strong, and I felt we had busted through a wall that he never even knew was there.

I wonder are we connected to people for a reason? Who has a plan for us and what is the plan? If I never went in to that bar that night, where would I be today? Have I ever came into someones life and changed their world, without even knowing that I did?

Was I ever someones test? Have I ever changed anyone’s path? I sometimes wish I could see the world without me in it, like being able to watch it, just see how I made a difference in this crazy world.

Next time you meet someone think, “Why? Why was this person put in my life?”

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