Finally!!!

I don’t need to fake a smile, fake a laugh. I think at one point; I had real friends. It’s been so long since I felt I had friends. Every turn you took to hurt me. I came back with a smile. I believe some people feed off other’s pain. Even when I don’t like someone, I would never go out of my way to hurt them. It takes a special kind of person. I have lost friends before. I have never met someone who keeps breaking someone over and over again. I would smile through the pain. The emptiness I always felt. Yet, I came back for more. I would think maybe if I didn’t talk, you would stop trying to hurt me. That didn’t work. I would try to guess what happened to our friendship? What could I have done to make you not only hate me but destroy me? I still have no idea. At least the next time I see you. You will know no how I feel about you. Sadly losing you, I also lost some other friends. I hope they never get to see the evil side that I did.

It was odd some may have been upset when a friendship ends. I felt free! Free to tell how I felt for two years. Free that I will never painfully have to fake to like you. From now on, your just some person I used to know. You can’t hurt me anymore!

Run kitty run

Ugh, it’s cold again! I am out in the cold ! No one cares! Why do people think cats don’t feel pain! Well, we do, and we get sad when you leave us. When you throw us out in the cold and never come for us. We are scared and sad. Not any cat can take our place. We are all not the same! I am out in this damn cold because some other cat took my place! They are not me, and they can never replace me. Humans are so cruel! They take us in show us this great life then just throw us away. Trust me if I see that cat there will be a fight!

How dare she to take what I had! But then again, your just to blame! How dare you throw me out with no care. You just figured someone else would save me. Well, guess what, no one did. You moved on, and I am out roaming in this cold alone. Are you happy??? Happy that I am sad? Glad that I am alone, scared, and cold? Why would you care? You have another kitty. You had another kitty before you even kicked me out. Hoping I would be someone else’s problem. Well, don’t worry, you are free of me. I have stopped searching for you. I will never have that feeling of being safe again. I will always be on the run.

I know better than to trust, but sometimes I forget. The comfort takes over, and guards come down. I am too old for this. I should be warm and being taken care of. Instead, I am out here in the damn cold. At least my heart is safe!

#fuck2020

I can’t say anything more than serious fuck off 2020! So what has happened in this year of hell? First of all, we lost our freedom. Never ever did I ever see the day that would happen. When did you ever think leaving your house would be a crime? Something that was supposed to be two weeks has gone on for eight months and still counting! My son lost his best friend to suicide. He was 19! I lost my income. We were trapped in the United States. We are forced to wear masks to hide our faces. My poor beloved bunny died. Half of the world was on unemployment. I now have a fear of going out in large crowds. I got involved in politics since our freedom was taken. I wanted to understand what the fuck was going on. I wish more people would of. Maybe we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in now. I realized people are clueless. I learned how sheltered people are. It’s actually terrifying that people believe the media.

Sadly I have realized that I live in a different world than most of my friends. For starters, I live in the hood. I also love it! Most of my friends won’t even come to my house. It’s sad the sheltered life they live. They will never see what I see. They will never learn what I have. Oddly I don’t judge them for living sheltered lives, but yet they judge me. How can you judge something that you have never lived? I used to live my life like all of them. I would never go back. Having to shelter in place, I had a lot of time to think. I am definitely the odd man out of all my friends. Has this caused me to be more distant? Yes, I would definitely say so. Would I realize this if we weren’t forced to stay home? No, most likely not. Do I still love all my friends? Yes, of course. The smartest friend I have. Left this fucking country a year and a half ago. I know for a fact he would also say fuck 2020! He has had a rough year for sure.

The world has gotten mean! Everyone is pissed! For an excellent reason. They have lost loved ones and could not say good-bye. So many people have lost their lives. People have lost their jobs, houses, business and the list goes on. I feel horrible for everyone. Unfortunately, 2021 isn’t looking very bright either. I am shocked at how many people are willing to give up their freedom. Then again, if you live a sheltered life and watch media. They really have no idea what is going on. I recently had a friend say only the uneducated voted for freedom. I can’t even comment on that….

For all of you that work in the medical field, for all you workers on the front line. My heart goes out to you. For all of you who have lost your business. For all of you who have lost your job. For all of you have lost their house. For all of you who lost love ones. I will pray for you in 2021. The well-educated people chose they didn’t want freedom……..

No!!!!!!!

A word I have such a hard time saying! How do you tell someone I don’t want you to pick me up! Is it because I’m so little and cute? At first, it’s ok. Can’t you tell I am squirming around? Can you not see I am uncomfortable? Sometimes I will just sit there and deal with it. Then I get annoyed. I yell and scream, and I may even scratch you. I don’t mean it, but I just couldn’t tell you NO! I don’t want to upset you. I know you just want to love on me. You mean no harm. I wish to be left alone. You have to wait for me to want you to pick me up. I can not guarantee that I will. ……

Just because I am out here roaming this world alone doesn’t mean I need you or even want you. Your not my owner, who left me. You can never be him. I may have forgotten how his voice sounded. I may have forgotten how I loved him to hold me. I am 100 percent positive if I ever see him again, he can pick me up. I search for him daily. I go back to the place he left me. He isn’t there. I know people don’t mean to upset me. I just don’t understand why they always want to pick me up! You can talk to me and pet me. Well, not always. Sometimes I wish to be left alone. I know I will walk this world alone unless I change my ways. But I am an old cat, and I don’t see that happening. There are days that I am sad and all I want is someone to pick me up and cuddle me. Those days are usually the days no one is around or cares that I am sad and lonely.

Words I can’t stand. You’re too cute and friendly to be a stray. Why do they assume I don’t like being a stray? I tried the house cat thing. I failed at it and ended back out on the streets. I believe this is where I belong. Why do they assume that I need someone? I mean, I miss the excellent food I used to get. Having to search for food every day gets tiring. I miss the nice comfy bed I would sleep in. Mainly I miss having someone love me. I have gotten catnapped before. They picked me up and brought me in a thing that went fast. It took me days to escape, and when I did, I had no idea where I was. It took me days to get back in my hood. I do have to run away from the pet police. If they get a hold of me, an old kitty like me doesn’t stand a chance to make it out alive. Will I give in one day and be a house kitty again? I guess time will tell. For right now, there are enough Tomcats to keep me happy. So if you see a cute kitty, don’t assume they want you to pick them up. You may say, why not just run away? The truth is profound down, I am really a scared kitty, and I really like attention and miss it so much. When receiving attention, I like it a lot. I know it’s false and short-lived. So I take what I can get for a short about of time.

Beyond sad

We woke up today to the worse news ever. You decided to leave this world to soon—so many questions. We will never understand why. Your decision will impact so many people for the rest of there lives. My son lost his best friend today. Why? You had your whole life in front of you. We never realized the pain you felt. The news of your passing has rocked all of us. You had so many people who would have helped. The pain I feel is for my sons. You have changed their lives forever.

You were always so caring. You always looked out for everyone. How could you just leave and not care? What it would do to everyone.

My son’s life will be changed forever. The loss of you will always stay with him. I can’t fix his pain. I can’t explain what I don’t understand. I hope to see my son be able to smile again. If I could take his pain away, I would.

Suicide is the most selfish thing. I can never understand it. Nothing can ever be that bad. I pray for my boys. I hope they can recover from this. Nothing will ever be the same. They will have to move on in life with the new standard, so many questions with no answers.

You will truly be missed. I pray for all of your family. I pray for all the ones you left behind.

You were only here for a short 19 years. At that time you helped a lot of people. You changed my son’s life. He will forever remember you.

Saturday!

It’s so nice out! Are we planing a beach day no! Are we looking for what bands are playing no! We heading out on a boat no! I never ever thought I would miss my friend so much! This new “normal” sucks! The news is so grim. I hate even listening to it. I fear for my parents so far away. I fear for every one. I try to stay home. I may go for a walk with no one around. I run in to stores to get what I can to feed my boys. No money coming in except from my ex for child support. That doesn’t cover the bills and food. I sit in this room day after day. I think screw it I will go to the front lines and work. Then the thought is if I get this? If I don’t live. My poor boys will have no one! I just can’t. I will just continue to try to pay who I can. Pray this all will end soon. Not knowing how long I can go with no money. This is not just my fear but thousands of people. Most likely more than that. Like if I go to work am I just causing this to spread to my family? Could I ever forgive myself if my sons got it? For money? It’s not worth my sons life. I have no idea when this will end. No one actually knows. I believe that is the scary part. How many more people have to die? Before people listen! I am poor as shit. No idea how to pay bills. Yet I stay home! The future is scary. This is going to cause some scary stuff. The world we are used to be won’t be any more. I try every day to think positive. I stay off social media for a couple of hours. I pray that some how this will all work out! Till then I smile

Hit by the blue lights

Now depending on what neighborhood your in your age,sex,and race. Being stopped my the police can be very different. I have had to deal with the police many times in my life. I have been treated very differently. When I lived in New Hampshire and lived in nice area. There approach would be way different. Now I live in what I like to call the “hood”. I have to learn the law and my rights . I have 2 boys in the teenage years. I have had to go toe to toe with police on many occasions.

The worst run in with the police was a little over a year ago. My youngest got caught taking something. It’s a long story he really didn’t know he was stealing. He actually had the money to buy it. Long story short they called me to come get him. They continued to judge me on where I lived. They wanted to hit my son with a felony. A child who has a higher IQ then every one in that room. Not caring about ruining a kids future. I freaked out and I was right! No charges! The cops literally looked upset that they could not ruin this kids future. WTF!!! When did this become a thing. When did they want to ruin any child to succeed in life. I have literally seen my boys on the ground being searched. I just happen to pull up. My 15 year old searched and thrown on the ground! WTF!!!!

It’s a power struggle. They make it that you never want to call them. This world is going crazy right now. I live in the hood. While every one was worried about TP. I was buying guns and ammo. No one in the hood will be calling the police. Stay safe every one! Make sure you hoard the right shit! 

What do you do for a living?

The question I hate most of all! Why does it matter what I do for a living? Let me back up for a minute.

First of all I am not career kinda person. I never have been nor will I be. Why in this world do woman need to get married have kids make a living. Just to fit in this Society. Well I fell for this crap got married had 2 great boys. Had it all even the stupid white picket fence. I was living the American dream right?

Wrong! I was in silent hell! Stuck with bills we couldn’t pay a horrible marriage. I did everything right I followed all of society’s rules. So why did I feel like I was in hell every day?

I was often told go back to school. Why??? I hate school. Get a career. Why?? Why must every one follow theses rules. 

I broke all the rules! I got divorced. I moved 12 hours away from everyone. Just the boys and I. Here we go again must get a job. I call it a job because I hate going there. They pay me and I go home. So what do I do for a living…..I work.

Today I really broke all the rules. I no longer work. So dating is fun lol. Line 2 every time so what do you do for a living? Why does it matter? I stand at corner and beg for money. Lol! I don’t really just always thought that would be funny to say lol. I am not asking you for money or to support me. Society says we must have life figured out and have a career by now. Well guess what I don’t! How I make a living has nothing to do with who I am. 

You will never know me

Who am I? No one will really ever no that. I am mom,worker, and a friend

None of them the same ever. I have different worlds all in one. I don’t think any one really knows me. The only person is me and only me. I can be who you need me to me at the moment. I can be happy Julie. I can be mean Julie. I can be fun Julie. I can be pissed off Julie.

I can be who you need me to be at the moment. That’s how I feel about my life. I never know who I am really. I can be who you need for the time. At times when I should feel happy. I feel like I shouldn’t be there. I feel like I don’t belong. It’s been a very long time since I felt complete. When I am in one place I feel like I should be some where else.

I would love to wake up one day not wanting to be some where else. Feeling like I belong where I am. Until I figure out my life this will be how it is. This stems from a years! When I was married being house wife and mom. I felt like I needed to be some where else.

Then I was left to be a single mom. The world was wide open. I was free finally! Was I happy?? Did I finally belong? No I don’t think I did. I still felt like I needed something else.

So I moved to a new city where I new no one! I needed that. It was good for a while I felt happy and complete. Now I am back to feeling like I need something else. I wake up feeling like I don’t belong here. Where do I belong? Where do I need to be? I hope to figure this out soon. Till then who am I ? I am who you need me to be at the moment….

Bad decisions

Since I was born I was told don’t fall for a “tom’ cat. They are only good for fun. That being said fun they are! How do you know a “Tom” cat is a “Tom” cat. Well first of all if you see him out and about pretty sure he is. If he out all the time he is not domesticated. Some times in life all you want is “Tom” cat. If you want to run around and have some fun then they are perfect for you. Don’t expect him to be there in the morning. He will be out hunting for a new kitty by the time you wake up. 

Now can they become domesticated after running wild for so long? Yes and no. In time they will try to settle down they get tired of running around. Usually that only last a little while.  Some one will leave a door open or a window open and out they go.

They have the chase in them and you can never change that. So when your out having fun and see a “Tom ” cat just remember they are just having fun. Will they ever come back? Sure they will if you feed a stray they alway eventually will come back. They don’t mean no harm. There just out having fun looking for a chase. No matter what they say they will leave in time. So don’t ever fall for a”Tom” cat you will end up getting your heart hurt. 

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