You will never no me

Who am I? No one will really ever no that. I am mom,worker, and a friend

None of them the same ever. I have different worlds all in one. I don’t think any one really knows me. The only person is me and only me. I can be who you need me to me at the moment. I can be happy Julie. I can be mean Julie. I can be fun Julie. I can be pissed off Julie.

I can be who you need me to be at the moment. That’s how I feel about my life. I never know who I am really. I can be who you need for the time. At times when I should feel happy. I feel like I shouldn’t be there. I feel like I don’t belong. It’s been a very long time since I felt complete. When I am in one place I feel like I should be some where else.

I would love to wake up one day not wanting to be some where else. Feeling like I belong where I am. Until I figure out my life this will be how it is. This stems from a years! When I was married being house wife and mom. I felt like I needed to be some where else.

Then I was left to be a single mom. The world was wide open. I was free finally! Was I happy?? Did I finally belong? No I don’t think I did. I still felt like I needed something else.

So I moved to a new city where I new no one! I needed that. It was good for a while I felt happy and complete. Now I am back to feeling like I need something else. I wake up feeling like I don’t belong here. Where do I belong? Where do I need to be? I hope to figure this out soon. Till then who am I ? I am who you need me to be at the moment….

Bad decisions

Since I was born I was told don’t fall for a “tom’ cat. They are only good for fun. That being said fun they are! How do you know a “Tom” cat is a “Tom” cat. Well first of all if you see him out and about pretty sure he is. If he out all the time he is not domesticated. Some times in life all you want is “Tom” cat. If you want to run around and have some fun then they are perfect for you. Don’t expect him to be there in the morning. He will be out hunting for a new kitty by the time you wake up. 

Now can they become domesticated after running wild for so long? Yes and no. In time they will try to settle down they get tired of running around. Usually that only last a little while.  Some one will leave a door open or a window open and out they go.

They have the chase in them and you can never change that. So when your out having fun and see a “Tom ” cat just remember they are just having fun. Will they ever come back? Sure they will if you feed a stray they alway eventually will come back. They don’t mean no harm. There just out having fun looking for a chase. No matter what they say they will leave in time. So don’t ever fall for a”Tom” cat you will end up getting your heart hurt. 

Wtf

I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!

Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.

I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.

I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.

When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.

I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.

I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.

I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol

When cats dream

I love to sleep! It’s when every thing is good. When I sleep you are here with me. We are back in our house and happy. I can even smell you in my sleep. I don’t need for anything. I have every thing I need. I get to lay on that great bed. I can feel you laying next to me.

Then I get woken by another furry thing that barks. So annoying, Not sure why humans like them so much. They are so needy. Maybe that’s what I need to be more needy. There are tons of kittys out here. You don’t see very many dogs. Now this thing wakes me up out of my happy place. Now I have to run because its now chasing me. I run up a big tree. He can’t climb so I am safe. I find a branch and off to sleep I go……

This time my dream is not good. I am searching for you. I can’t find you. You left me again! I can’t even have a good dream any more. I have a hard time remembering you. Soon I will forget your voice then your smell. My dreams won’t be happy any more. I don’t no how long you have been gone. I do no I want to find you. No one can take care of me like you.

Our time was cut short. You just left me one day. Until I can see you again I just hope to see you when I sleep. I hope I never forget you. The only time I feel happy is when I dream……

Why did you leave?

I loved that you had been home with me. I was able to cuddle with you all day. You didn’t seem happy. You sensed sad. I tried everything I new how to do. You told me every day how much you loved me. You always said it was so unfair that I could not live as long as you. But yet I am still here and I can’t find you. Where did you go? Why can’t I find you. Why is some one else sleeping in your spot?

I got so happy I saw some one sleeping in your spot. I thought you had come back for me. I then realized it was not you. I can still smell your sent here on your things. I no you wouldn’t just leave me. You have always had me with you. Even when you moved me in to a new home. I was ok because I had you.

This nice man feeds me when I demand to be fed. I still search for you. I think this man knows where you are. He gets sad when I cry and jump on your side of the bed.

I do all kinds of bad stuff hoping you will come back and yell at me. No matter what I do you don’t come back. Why would you leave me? I no you left me with this nice guy. He isn’t you. I want you to pet me. I want you to cuddle with me. I have no idea who this other person is. She isn’t you!!!! This is the longest I have been away from you. I no I am getting old. What happens if I never see you again? I forget every day your still not here. I wake up searching for you. Every day I my heart breaks again and again.

Cold kitty

O damn it’s that time a year ago! It’s dark way too early. Its cold at night brrrr. I still haven’t found my forever home. I haven’t even been able to find a temporary house. All I want is to be cuddled up at the foot of your bed. I miss how grumpy you would get when I beg for food “to early ” .

Where are you?? You said you were going some where that it’s always warm. You told me I would not be welcome there. How do I find you? I didn’t realize how much I would miss you. Yes I miss the good food. I miss the warm house. No one pets me like you did. I wonder if you miss me. Did you find a another kitty over there?

This place is full of “Tom” cats. I am so over messing with them. I need to find a home and quick.

I find the place where you last were. The place is still empty. I go in walk around. It’s just a empty house with out you. I found a towel it smells like you. I will just lay here. I must of fallen asleep because I dreamt of you. I was so happy I didn’t want to wake up.

I hear a little person say mom this house has a cat. O hell no!!! I am way to old to deal with a little person. They have way to much energy and they are loud. I try to run but I am not as fast as her.

I hear the mom say don’t touch it. The cat might have bugs or a disease. “Well that was rude I think to my self”. Don’t judge me! You have no idea how I feel. O wait she is reading the note you left. She has tears running down her face. She says kitty I am so sorry you got left here. Let me feed you and get you some where warm.

Wait!!!! Get me some where warm???? O shit kitty jail!!! This time I don’t have you to get me out. No one wants an old grumpy cat. I ran so fast out that door. I didn’t care if I had to freeze and starve. Hell no I am not ready to give up yet!!! So yet another cold night out here alone……….

Your Voice

What I miss the most is your voice. Each day I forget more things. I miss seeing your smile. I miss your touch. Most of all, I miss having you to talk to.

When I go to sleep I see you. I feel you wrapping your arms around me. I know if you could, you would be here. I pick up the phone to call you like 5 times a day, knowing there is no way for you to answer. I only wish you would have set up your voice mail, so I could at least just hear your voice.

I miss you so much, it hurts to think about it. I am hoping I never forget how you look, or your smile. I never want to forget you.

You may feel like you did me a favor, but you did not. I know you hate that I am hurting. It’s not your fault. Please forgive me but I can’t stop loving you….. now I know your smiling because I just broke out with a song.

I wake up crying because you are no longer here holding me. When I fell asleep, you were with me holding me. I try to roll over to see if I can find you. The sun is too bright, and my heart is too dark. Another day without you means more that I will forget about you. Days will turn into weeks, weeks will turn into months, months will turn into years…. before I know it, I won’t remember how you feel holding me.

I won’t remember your smile, or how I felt when you touched me, or how you made me laugh. I won’t remember how it felt to dance with you. Most of all I won’t remember your voice. But for now I will close my eyes and sleep with you holding me……

Play Kitty

I never realized how much I love to play. I just love to play with everything. I just don’t like to be played with. I want to play on my terms. When you play with me and I get happy, then you just stop, I might bite you.

I don’t mean any harm, I just want your attention. I want you to realize that playing with me might be fun. You should just leave me alone until I am ready to play again.

I am so happy you got to have fun with me when I was just a kitten. Now that I am older I don’t like to play as much. I am so glad I got to entertain you. I know at some point I made you happy. You still love me, but I am just not that fun anymore.

I worry at some point if you will go find a new kitten to play with. I just hope you don’t get rid of me. I am glad I got you through a rough time in life. It just seems like you need something else. I try to play more, and try to love you more. You just seems like you don’t want to play with me anymore. Maybe it’s better if I just run away. That way you won’t have to worry about me anymore. I don’t want to stay with someone who wants something else. I didn’t realize you wanted just to play with me for a short time. I didn’t realize you just wanted to play.

I will go away now. Don’t worry about me. I will see who else wants to play with me.

Don’t look for me. I don’t want to play anymore. Not now not for awhile.

I cut my paw on some glass you broke. So it hurts when I play right now. I am sure in time my paw will heal. I will go on and play, in time. I hope you find your forever kitten that loves to play. I am sorry I could not be your forever kitty…….

Run Kitty

I woke up. It felt odd in the house, and I have no idea why? I came down the stairs to see that he left the door open. Odd! Why would he do that? He always told me to stay in where it’s safe. Now the door is wide open, knowing I will walk out of it…So out I go. I ran around like a silly kitty. I found some friends and hung out with them. I was just wondering when he was going to come get me. But he never came.

I started to get hungry and sleepy. I walked for a while and realized it must have been days! I had seen that big bright thing in the sky at least 3 times. OMG! I can smell you! I must be close to home. Thank God! I am starving and lonely. I miss you I want you to pet me. I want to fall asleep on your chest. Oh, how I can’t wait to be back with you. I will never run out that damn door again.

This was the house, but you weren’t there! None of our stuff…nothing! Where are you? What did I do? I am so sorry for running out the door. Please come back for me. I will never ever run away again, I promise. I will never wake you up, or keep you up again. I promise! just come back. I am hungry!!!! I start running through the house in a panic. I see someone…not you.

He is reading something (this is what the note read), “Dear new owner, I had to disappear. I could not take my cat. She is going to be sad and mad. She may hiss at you, but she is really a sweet kitty, once she gets to know you. She will trust you and stay loyal. She will never run away. She loves to sleep on my chest. She is needy and she gets hungry a lot. I left her favorite food on the counter. When you are done reading this. Say, “Jasmin you are safe with me.” Make sure you say “Jasmin” then she will know it’s from me. I will come back from time to time to check on her from distance. She will never trust me again, so no worries; I will never take her away from you. Please take care of Jasmin and tell her I will love her forever. I just had to go.”

He looked at me and said, “Jasmin, you are safe.” Wait did he just call me Jasmin? OMG! Did he leave me???? Now I have to deal with this person. How will he know how to pet me, and how to feed me. How could he think he could just send someone else to take his place. So I took off and ran! I want to find you. I will run for years until I find you. I don’t want just anyone; I want you!

Well, Okay! I am hungry so I walk back and somehow he has the same food. Of course I hiss at him. But I do eat the food he left me. I guess I will sleep on this bed since it’s here. I still want you. He can hear me crying for you. He says, “My poor Jasmin, I know how it feels to be abandoned and I am not taking his place. I just want to help you make it through this. I realize I am not him. I will never leave you. If I leave you, come with me, ok? Until then, let’s just enjoy each other while we are both missing someone.”

Still crying, I fell asleep that night and many more. I loved to sleep because that’s when I got to see you. I miss you so much……..

How????

You say, “Don’t be sad.” How?!? You plan your future without me. But yet, I am laying next to you. With every day of more and more hurt, its like being dead and watching someone plan your funeral.

You say, “Aren’t you happy for me?” Um, No. I am not. How could I be? Your life won’t have me in it. There is nothing making you go; only just to do it. Hurt doesn’t even to begin to explain what I feel. Sad doesn’t either. Knowing you are choosing to leave and plan a future without me; words can’t even explain how it feels.

Maybe I was what you needed; for so long, everyone hurt you. I get to be the person you destroy; you get to be the one this time. I understand I am nothing to you; just someone to pass time along until your dream became a reality. Can I ever forgive you for hurting me like this? No! I can’t. The day you leave will be the last time I see you.

How stupid of me to let my heart heal. You are no different then everyone else. The fact that you’re leaving is one thing, but to plan a whole future without me, is unforgivable.

I am glad I got to be the one. It’s been so long since I felt anything at all. I will enjoy the time we have left, but don’t ask me to be happy for you. I will not throw you a party. I don’t want you to go. Your time is not done here, yet. I hope your life is all, and more than you want. I would never wish you anything less. Just understand what your leaving behind. You’re so busy planing your future, you’re forgetting who is standing next to you…..

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