Saturday!

It’s so nice out! Are we planing a beach day no! Are we looking for what bands are playing no! We heading out on a boat no! I never ever thought I would miss my friend so much! This new “normal” sucks! The news is so grim. I hate even listening to it. I fear for my parents so far away. I fear for every one. I try to stay home. I may go for a walk with no one around. I run in to stores to get what I can to feed my boys. No money coming in except from my ex for child support. That doesn’t cover the bills and food. I sit in this room day after day. I think screw it I will go to the front lines and work. Then the thought is if I get this? If I don’t live. My poor boys will have no one! I just can’t. I will just continue to try to pay who I can. Pray this all will end soon. Not knowing how long I can go with no money. This is not just my fear but thousands of people. Most likely more than that. Like if I go to work am I just causing this to spread to my family? Could I ever forgive myself if my sons got it? For money? It’s not worth my sons life. I have no idea when this will end. No one actually knows. I believe that is the scary part. How many more people have to die? Before people listen! I am poor as shit. No idea how to pay bills. Yet I stay home! The future is scary. This is going to cause some scary stuff. The world we are used to be won’t be any more. I try every day to think positive. I stay off social media for a couple of hours. I pray that some how this will all work out! Till then I smile

Cat Nap

I was awoken by a dog barking. The big ball of fire isn’t even up, yet. Lately it really doesn’t matter what time I roam around. It seems like there are more cats and dogs out, then humans.

No one wants to even pet me anymore. Lots of dogs are out, so I can’t even sneak in through the back yard. I am out roaming for food, and for any kind affection. People seem scared when they see me; I don’t understand. What have I done so wrong that no one wants me? I am hungry and my normal places have no food out.

Where are all the humans? Where is all the good food? Every human I see out has a dog with them. Dogs are fun to play with, but not when humans have them. The little humans seem to like me still. They always call me and pet me. They don’t seem to be bothered. From whatever has these humans are scared of. I have talked to my kitty friends. They have no idea. All they know is there is no food anywhere! I see my human friends. They also roam the streets with me. They said your lucky kitty! You can’t get this thing that kills us. Omg, I hope my human is safe! I know he left me to roam this damn world alone. I still remember my human. I miss him every night. I wonder if it even thinks about me? I am sure he has another kitty where ever he is. If I ever see my human again, I would forgive him. I would love to stop searching for a safe place to sleep and eat. No other human seems to want me. I have given up on even looking. Well, the dog has stopped barking. The ball of fire is still hidden. I found a comfy little spot. Back to my cat nap……

Searching

I walk in to my regular bar. Band is playing they are doing great! I feel the need to walk around. What am I searching for? I know your not here so what or who am I looking for? I take a glance around for familiar faces. I see some stop and say my hellos. Then on I go searching for ……. I don’t even know I kinda want to just walk away and walk the beach in hope I will find what I am searching for.

The band is playing the alcohol its flowing by the bartenders. (That was the last thing sober Julie had wrote)

Man with the blue shirt tried to be you. He grabbed my hand tried dancing with me. He is not you. Can’t dance at all. I danced the night away wishing I was with you. Sober Julie is way gone and drunk Julie has taken over. I am smiling and happy on the out side. While in the inside I feel like I a dying. The pain of you never being there with me again. Pain I will never dance the night away with you again.

Tonight people will only see what I want them to see. That is fake smile and no tears. Not sure what’s harder being happy or faking it. I have the feeling of I don’t belong. I have that feeling every where I am. So where do I belong? I feel like that book not my momma. It’s a bird trying to find who he belongs with. I have no idea. I don’t feel like I belong when I am out or when I am home or at work. Where do I belong? I feel like I need a tag return to sender. I was meditating one day I closed my eyes I got in a very happy place. I struggled to see who I was with. Where did my mind take me and with who? I was in shocked who actually was in my pease place. Oddly I will never see him again. I will never speak to him again. My heart and head are not in the same spot. Some day I will belong I hope. One day I will find some one that is good for my heart and head. Till then I will fake my smile and dance threw life. Till we meet again on this side or the other…….

Crazy!!!!

I really wish I had some one that wanted to write for me. The shit that is in my head should be shared. After a rude blogger made fun of my spelling. I have tried not to blog that much. I have no one to prof read my blogs. Because of my learning disability it’s super hard for me. When some one calls me out on it I get me upset and feel stupid. My blogs just like my life. People promise me I will always help you blog. Then they don’t! I mess something up and they go away. What ever enough about that…

This world has gone crazy! I am scared to go out! I am scared to go near people! I am a people person. Today I threw on my headphones and danced and sang. The few people I saw just laughed and waved. This shit is real. I have always ended conversation with stay safe! Now that shit is for real! Stay safe! This world we live in will never be the same. I hope and pray that my family and none of my family members get this. I feel like I am playing Russian roulette every time I leave this house. The horrible things I think about. What if I get this? What happens if I am one the many that die? I swear if we all make it threw this horrible time. If we all stay safe, I am going to live like no other! I am going to travel. I am going to get my shit together to move the hell out of this country! Peru we will be there as soon as the world goes back.

If I cared….

While sober and cleared mind. I can tell you I don’t give a damn…

If I have I have ever told you I love you while not sober. Believe me it’s true. If I have ever cried about you while not sober. You are super important.

The sober Julie is broken. She cares for family and pets that’s all. They are the only ones never to hurt her.

Once asked if you had to leave right now what would you take. Easy my boys,pets, parents, and passports! That’s all. I have nothing that can’t be replaced. Is that sad at my age? Who the fucks knows. All I no I could care less about material shit. Judge me or not. I don’t give a shit really. I am at the point in my life. I am done sugar coding shit! You piss me off! You will no! To many times I have just let shit go! Nope not any more. I have nothing to lose and tons to gain.

If you are one of the many to fuck me over in my life. Well I am here to tell you fuck off! If you are one of them to say….You deserve so much better….fuck if I hear that line one more time in life….. I may just kick drop them.

Who the fuck are you tell me what I need! I need you! How many times I have sat there hearing this bs! I deserve so much better Bla Bla. Well guess what so much better isn’t knocking at my door. Because you thought I needed more then you. Please men stop using that line! It’s the worse. I was happy and you weren’t so…… I guess what your saying is you need some one better. This line is just like your a great fuck but I don’t want to date you. Am I sad fuck no! I love my life! Most do not understand my life. I don’t really care.

There are few people who I love . They have no idea. If I ever lost them in my life . It would it crush me more then I can handle. I have lost a few who I love so much. Just wishing even a text some day would make me smile. Not sober or sober the love I have for them is so strong! It will last years!

You are my fire

I was told that you were like the kindling that started my fire. I thought about it for awhile. I don’t think so I think you are my fire. With out you my fire has gone away. I have found tons of matches but nothing to light.

I have had couple of fires. While sitting back and enjoying it. Something never seemed right. It would shortly rain and the fire would be gone. I am not sure if I will have that fire again. Maybe it was once in a lifetime kinda thing. I hope not. Lots of kindling but no matches. With you the fire just burned with no problem. We had it all matches and kindling and no rain. I no if you could you would restart my fire. You never want me to with out it. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I wish it did.

Tired

I am so tired of roaming this world alone. I just want some one to want me. I am getting old and too tired to search. It used to be fun but now I am just lonely. The nights get cold with no one to cuddle with. The day’s are fine I just roam around looking for food and shelter. I just want some one to roam with me. What have I done so wrong in this life that no one wants me? Sure I can find a ‘Tom cat”. They are not long turn and they never stay. I just want a parter in this life. I am starting to think I will roam this earth alone forever. I manage to chase away any one who gets to close. I have no idea why. I have found a few who stayed for awhile but then something better came along. Alone again I was. I am not as playful as the young Kittys. They are cute and full of life. I am old and tired. I just don’t want to play anymore.



It all started when I was thrown out of my house 8 years ago. Since then I have not been able to find the right place to stay. I traveled far. Yet I still have no one to roam with. I realize it must be me. I am really starting to feel like there is no one out there to be my partner. Seasons change and winter turns in to summer. That’s how I know how long I have been alone. Not sure how much more seasons left I have. I just wish I could enjoy the rest of the seasons safe and with someone.

Some one I used to know

I walked in I saw you, I could tell you did not see me. I slipped away in the crowd. I saw you put your hand on her back just like you have done with me. I remember how great that used to feel. You are just some one I used to know. We went from friends to lovers to some one I used to know. Thank god it’s crowded in here. I can blend in with out you seeing me. I am not ready to be your friend or meet my replacement. I watched you from across the room for awhile. Can’t tell if I felt angry or sad. I feel sad that I lost you as my friend. I wanted to run up to you and hug you. Knowing that would not be ok with him. I have no idea what he would do if he seen me.

While I stand here alone and he is with her. Makes me upset that I have no one to put there hand on my back or to dance with.

I will walk out quietly. To make sure you don’t hear me or see me. I walk to my next place of choice since this one is taken. I wonder is she knows any thing about me? How you lied and hurt me. Worse you abandoned me! Sad to think you were my friend . I will go on to enjoy my night. I will be with real friends that don’t leave me!

Pretty kitty

When I go out roaming every one wants to pet me. They all say how pretty I am. Some of them like to pick me up and give me kisses. Some of them offer me really good food. Then they all let me go. No one ever wants to offer me a home. “I am to cute to be out on the streets”. That’s what they all say but no one is willing to even get to really no me. If they did they most likely would throw me back out any ways.

Ugh my body is sore and I feel so tired. It’s getting cold and I need to figure out my life. I am to old for this. I should have my life figured out by now. I should be a house cat. I shouldn’t be out here alone walking around.

I was out and about one day and I heard a small human say look mom a stray kitty. Wait what did she call me? A stay wtf that mean? Like homeless?? I heard the big human say don’t touch it could have disease. Wait what? Listen human it’s not my fault my owner left me! All the humans only want the little Kittys. Oddly so do all the damn “Tom cats “ want too.

What ever!!! I am am better then all those damn kittens. Yes I maybe lazy and like to sleep all the time and eat. I am just as cuddly as a kitten is. Well who am I fooling if you get to close I will hiss at you. Dear lord if ever try to grab I will bite you! Soooo maybe that’s why I am a “stray”

I better learn how to be cute and cuddly. Other wise I will be alone forever.

Why

Why am I at this bar alone? Men bothering me. I don’t want them just you. Where are you not here. You are just a text away. You are not here to dance with why??? Cause you can’t or just don’t want to be?? The answer is unknown. Many men would take your place. Do I want them to no!

Do I even no who I want? No idea it changes from day to day. I used to know who I wanted every night. That is no longer an option. So back to who ever texts that night. When did this become my life. Why has this become my life? I have so much to give. No one ever stays long enough to know how much I have.

Could I settled down? Maybe I am not sure? Can you tame a stray cat? Can you you make a feral cat a house cat?

Can you change a “Tom” cat? 

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