Alone

I am in a room full of “friends.” Yet I feel all alone. Most of them not knowing me at all. Many have hurt me, having no idea they have. Having the feeling, I don’t belong here. Will they ever understand me? No, they won’t. My life is so different than all of them. I don’t belong anywhere. Even at my house, I just want not to be there. I am always chasing people who don’t want me. Why?? I have no idea. When I am away, I miss everyone in my life. When I am present, I want to be somewhere else.

Not knowing where you belong in life sucks. I keep searching for happiness. I know that happiness comes from inside. You can’t find it. Yet I still search for it. I always wonder if I suppose to be alone in this world. If there really isn’t anyone for me. Maybe it’s the way I live my life. Being alone for the rest of my life makes me sad. I have so much to give, but no one ever seems to want it. Realizing a friend you thought was a friend really isn’t. That hurts a lot. Sadly it has happened so many times like at a deli line yelling ”next.” I become numb from the pain. I will never let them know how bad they have hurt me. It’s my fault for thinking they were a friend. You can never lose a true friend. Real friends don’t leave you ever.

When your car breaks down at 2 in the morning, the person you first call is your friend. When you get the best news ever and the first person you think of. That is your friend on the worse day of your life. The first person you call is your friend. It may be your mom, dad, sister, or even your kids.

Many do not understand my life. I think some times that it’s much better just to be alone. Some times I don’t know who I am supposed to be. I often wonder if my ”friends” see my pain. I try to be my best. Sometimes that isn’t good enough. I realize who really is my friend and who is not.

Losing and gaining friends and boyfriends has made me who I am today. With every loss teaches me a lesson. I hope to feel someday like I belong somewhere. For every friend, I lose is sadness. Also, I learn a lot. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. God puts people in your life for a reason.

Why have you not come home yet?????

The day you rescued me was the best day of my life. For some reason, I just could not find my forever home. Till the day you found me. I was running scared on the road. You picked me up and fed me great food. You brought me to your house. You and my mom are so lovely to me. You brought me to meet all your friends. I got to meet all of there other doggies and kitties. I had so much fun going on trips with you.

I really felt like, for the first time ever, I belonged. You and mommy would leave for a bit. I did get scared you would never return. I didn’t mean to bark to much. I was just afraid I was scared you would never return. I was so happy when you guys came back home. You told me not to worry; you would never leave me.

You and mommy were yelling. It scared me! I was braking. I just wanted you to stop the loud voices. The next thing I know, there was a loud noise. Mommy grabbed me and ran outside. She had water coming down her face. I licked her face to make the water stop. It didn’t help. Next thing I know, all these people were in our house.

We have not gone back home yet. You have not come and got us. Where are you? You said you would never leave me. Mommy is so sad. The water hasn’t stopped since we last saw you. Why haven’t you come yet???

Beyond sad

We woke up today to the worse news ever. You decided to leave this world to soon—so many questions. We will never understand why. Your decision will impact so many people for the rest of there lives. My son lost his best friend today. Why? You had your whole life in front of you. We never realized the pain you felt. The news of your passing has rocked all of us. You had so many people who would have helped. The pain I feel is for my sons. You have changed their lives forever.

You were always so caring. You always looked out for everyone. How could you just leave and not care? What it would do to everyone.

My son’s life will be changed forever. The loss of you will always stay with him. I can’t fix his pain. I can’t explain what I don’t understand. I hope to see my son be able to smile again. If I could take his pain away, I would.

Suicide is the most selfish thing. I can never understand it. Nothing can ever be that bad. I pray for my boys. I hope they can recover from this. Nothing will ever be the same. They will have to move on in life with the new standard, so many questions with no answers.

You will truly be missed. I pray for all of your family. I pray for all the ones you left behind.

You were only here for a short 19 years. At that time you helped a lot of people. You changed my son’s life. He will forever remember you.

Saturday!

It’s so nice out! Are we planing a beach day no! Are we looking for what bands are playing no! We heading out on a boat no! I never ever thought I would miss my friend so much! This new “normal” sucks! The news is so grim. I hate even listening to it. I fear for my parents so far away. I fear for every one. I try to stay home. I may go for a walk with no one around. I run in to stores to get what I can to feed my boys. No money coming in except from my ex for child support. That doesn’t cover the bills and food. I sit in this room day after day. I think screw it I will go to the front lines and work. Then the thought is if I get this? If I don’t live. My poor boys will have no one! I just can’t. I will just continue to try to pay who I can. Pray this all will end soon. Not knowing how long I can go with no money. This is not just my fear but thousands of people. Most likely more than that. Like if I go to work am I just causing this to spread to my family? Could I ever forgive myself if my sons got it? For money? It’s not worth my sons life. I have no idea when this will end. No one actually knows. I believe that is the scary part. How many more people have to die? Before people listen! I am poor as shit. No idea how to pay bills. Yet I stay home! The future is scary. This is going to cause some scary stuff. The world we are used to be won’t be any more. I try every day to think positive. I stay off social media for a couple of hours. I pray that some how this will all work out! Till then I smile

Searching

I walk in to my regular bar. Band is playing they are doing great! I feel the need to walk around. What am I searching for? I know your not here so what or who am I looking for? I take a glance around for familiar faces. I see some stop and say my hellos. Then on I go searching for ……. I don’t even know I kinda want to just walk away and walk the beach in hope I will find what I am searching for.

The band is playing the alcohol its flowing by the bartenders. (That was the last thing sober Julie had wrote)

Man with the blue shirt tried to be you. He grabbed my hand tried dancing with me. He is not you. Can’t dance at all. I danced the night away wishing I was with you. Sober Julie is way gone and drunk Julie has taken over. I am smiling and happy on the out side. While in the inside I feel like I a dying. The pain of you never being there with me again. Pain I will never dance the night away with you again.

Tonight people will only see what I want them to see. That is fake smile and no tears. Not sure what’s harder being happy or faking it. I have the feeling of I don’t belong. I have that feeling every where I am. So where do I belong? I feel like that book not my momma. It’s a bird trying to find who he belongs with. I have no idea. I don’t feel like I belong when I am out or when I am home or at work. Where do I belong? I feel like I need a tag return to sender. I was meditating one day I closed my eyes I got in a very happy place. I struggled to see who I was with. Where did my mind take me and with who? I was in shocked who actually was in my pease place. Oddly I will never see him again. I will never speak to him again. My heart and head are not in the same spot. Some day I will belong I hope. One day I will find some one that is good for my heart and head. Till then I will fake my smile and dance threw life. Till we meet again on this side or the other…….

Crazy!!!!

I really wish I had some one that wanted to write for me. The shit that is in my head should be shared. After a rude blogger made fun of my spelling. I have tried not to blog that much. I have no one to prof read my blogs. Because of my learning disability it’s super hard for me. When some one calls me out on it I get me upset and feel stupid. My blogs just like my life. People promise me I will always help you blog. Then they don’t! I mess something up and they go away. What ever enough about that…

This world has gone crazy! I am scared to go out! I am scared to go near people! I am a people person. Today I threw on my headphones and danced and sang. The few people I saw just laughed and waved. This shit is real. I have always ended conversation with stay safe! Now that shit is for real! Stay safe! This world we live in will never be the same. I hope and pray that my family and none of my family members get this. I feel like I am playing Russian roulette every time I leave this house. The horrible things I think about. What if I get this? What happens if I am one the many that die? I swear if we all make it threw this horrible time. If we all stay safe, I am going to live like no other! I am going to travel. I am going to get my shit together to move the hell out of this country! Peru we will be there as soon as the world goes back.

I know better!!

I know better don’t fall for a Tom cat! This tom cat is so much different then all the others. They usually run away fast. They never usually return. You always return.

The most kindest Tom cat I have ever met. You seem to find me where ever I show up. You always tell me find your self a good Tom cat. I don’t need any others just you. I think of you often. I know you are busy with a another kitty. You only stray when you can. I do realize that every time you are let out. You always find me! I do realize there are so many others you could be with.

Your on a different level of just the normal Tom cat. You have hung out with all my kitty friends. They have hard time understanding our situation. Some one left open the door. So he ran out. She always comes looking for her kitty. He is only aloud out for a awhile. In the short about of time we get I enjoy. I know you enjoy the time with me.

We are prefect for each other. My heart belongs to someone I can’t have. He belongs to some one who he needs to take care of him. Some how in this crazy world and situation we find each other. Until my heart can reconnect with whom it belongs to. I will keep playing the Tom cat games.

If I cared….

While sober and cleared mind. I can tell you I don’t give a damn…

If I have I have ever told you I love you while not sober. Believe me it’s true. If I have ever cried about you while not sober. You are super important.

The sober Julie is broken. She cares for family and pets that’s all. They are the only ones never to hurt her.

Once asked if you had to leave right now what would you take. Easy my boys,pets, parents, and passports! That’s all. I have nothing that can’t be replaced. Is that sad at my age? Who the fucks knows. All I no I could care less about material shit. Judge me or not. I don’t give a shit really. I am at the point in my life. I am done sugar coding shit! You piss me off! You will no! To many times I have just let shit go! Nope not any more. I have nothing to lose and tons to gain.

If you are one of the many to fuck me over in my life. Well I am here to tell you fuck off! If you are one of them to say….You deserve so much better….fuck if I hear that line one more time in life….. I may just kick drop them.

Who the fuck are you tell me what I need! I need you! How many times I have sat there hearing this bs! I deserve so much better Bla Bla. Well guess what so much better isn’t knocking at my door. Because you thought I needed more then you. Please men stop using that line! It’s the worse. I was happy and you weren’t so…… I guess what your saying is you need some one better. This line is just like your a great fuck but I don’t want to date you. Am I sad fuck no! I love my life! Most do not understand my life. I don’t really care.

There are few people who I love . They have no idea. If I ever lost them in my life . It would it crush me more then I can handle. I have lost a few who I love so much. Just wishing even a text some day would make me smile. Not sober or sober the love I have for them is so strong! It will last years!

You are my fire

I was told that you were like the kindling that started my fire. I thought about it for awhile. I don’t think so I think you are my fire. With out you my fire has gone away. I have found tons of matches but nothing to light.

I have had couple of fires. While sitting back and enjoying it. Something never seemed right. It would shortly rain and the fire would be gone. I am not sure if I will have that fire again. Maybe it was once in a lifetime kinda thing. I hope not. Lots of kindling but no matches. With you the fire just burned with no problem. We had it all matches and kindling and no rain. I no if you could you would restart my fire. You never want me to with out it. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I wish it did.

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