How did I get here?

How do I keep getting myself in these situations? I am too old to be running around, trying to find out where I belong. I should be fat and happy house cat by now. Sadly I don’t believe my guy is coming back for me. I have many dreams where he finds me. I have forgotten how his voice sounds. I wonder if he even remembers me. I am sure he has other Kittys now. I thought I was special, but I guess I am not. I used to search for him. I know I have been everywhere. Why did he have to leave me? I know he said he had to go far away. But why????

There was a bad storm, the wind and rain were so scary. I found a safe place to watch. I hope all my friends did, ok. I have been walking around haven’t seen them yet. I wonder if my guy knows that there was a storm. That I had to brave it all alone, I always wonder why house Kittys always want to get out; I just want to get in a house. If they had any idea how hard and scary it is out there, they would change their minds.

I do have to say the few times I have been taken in. I did get a little bored. I do like to roam around. Maybe I’m not a good house cat. Perhaps I was born to roam freely. I do have so much love to give. I do love taking care of everyone. I just figured at this time in my life things would have come together. Well another storm is in the sky. Going to run and hide.

Beyond sad

We woke up today to the worse news ever. You decided to leave this world to soon—so many questions. We will never understand why. Your decision will impact so many people for the rest of there lives. My son lost his best friend today. Why? You had your whole life in front of you. We never realized the pain you felt. The news of your passing has rocked all of us. You had so many people who would have helped. The pain I feel is for my sons. You have changed their lives forever.

You were always so caring. You always looked out for everyone. How could you just leave and not care? What it would do to everyone.

My son’s life will be changed forever. The loss of you will always stay with him. I can’t fix his pain. I can’t explain what I don’t understand. I hope to see my son be able to smile again. If I could take his pain away, I would.

Suicide is the most selfish thing. I can never understand it. Nothing can ever be that bad. I pray for my boys. I hope they can recover from this. Nothing will ever be the same. They will have to move on in life with the new standard, so many questions with no answers.

You will truly be missed. I pray for all of your family. I pray for all the ones you left behind.

You were only here for a short 19 years. At that time you helped a lot of people. You changed my son’s life. He will forever remember you.

I know better!!

I know better don’t fall for a Tom cat! This tom cat is so much different then all the others. They usually run away fast. They never usually return. You always return.

The most kindest Tom cat I have ever met. You seem to find me where ever I show up. You always tell me find your self a good Tom cat. I don’t need any others just you. I think of you often. I know you are busy with a another kitty. You only stray when you can. I do realize that every time you are let out. You always find me! I do realize there are so many others you could be with.

Your on a different level of just the normal Tom cat. You have hung out with all my kitty friends. They have hard time understanding our situation. Some one left open the door. So he ran out. She always comes looking for her kitty. He is only aloud out for a awhile. In the short about of time we get I enjoy. I know you enjoy the time with me.

We are prefect for each other. My heart belongs to someone I can’t have. He belongs to some one who he needs to take care of him. Some how in this crazy world and situation we find each other. Until my heart can reconnect with whom it belongs to. I will keep playing the Tom cat games.

What do you do for a living?

The question I hate most of all! Why does it matter what I do for a living? Let me back up for a minute.

First of all I am not career kinda person. I never have been nor will I be. Why in this world do woman need to get married have kids make a living. Just to fit in this Society. Well I fell for this crap got married had 2 great boys. Had it all even the stupid white picket fence. I was living the American dream right?

Wrong! I was in silent hell! Stuck with bills we couldn’t pay a horrible marriage. I did everything right I followed all of society’s rules. So why did I feel like I was in hell every day?

I was often told go back to school. Why??? I hate school. Get a career. Why?? Why must every one follow theses rules. 

I broke all the rules! I got divorced. I moved 12 hours away from everyone. Just the boys and I. Here we go again must get a job. I call it a job because I hate going there. They pay me and I go home. So what do I do for a living…..I work.

Today I really broke all the rules. I no longer work. So dating is fun lol. Line 2 every time so what do you do for a living? Why does it matter? I stand at corner and beg for money. Lol! I don’t really just always thought that would be funny to say lol. I am not asking you for money or to support me. Society says we must have life figured out and have a career by now. Well guess what I don’t! How I make a living has nothing to do with who I am. 

You will never know me

Who am I? No one will really ever no that. I am mom,worker, and a friend

None of them the same ever. I have different worlds all in one. I don’t think any one really knows me. The only person is me and only me. I can be who you need me to me at the moment. I can be happy Julie. I can be mean Julie. I can be fun Julie. I can be pissed off Julie.

I can be who you need me to be at the moment. That’s how I feel about my life. I never know who I am really. I can be who you need for the time. At times when I should feel happy. I feel like I shouldn’t be there. I feel like I don’t belong. It’s been a very long time since I felt complete. When I am in one place I feel like I should be some where else.

I would love to wake up one day not wanting to be some where else. Feeling like I belong where I am. Until I figure out my life this will be how it is. This stems from a years! When I was married being house wife and mom. I felt like I needed to be some where else.

Then I was left to be a single mom. The world was wide open. I was free finally! Was I happy?? Did I finally belong? No I don’t think I did. I still felt like I needed something else.

So I moved to a new city where I new no one! I needed that. It was good for a while I felt happy and complete. Now I am back to feeling like I need something else. I wake up feeling like I don’t belong here. Where do I belong? Where do I need to be? I hope to figure this out soon. Till then who am I ? I am who you need me to be at the moment….

Bad decisions

Since I was born I was told don’t fall for a “tom’ cat. They are only good for fun. That being said fun they are! How do you know a “Tom” cat is a “Tom” cat. Well first of all if you see him out and about pretty sure he is. If he out all the time he is not domesticated. Some times in life all you want is “Tom” cat. If you want to run around and have some fun then they are perfect for you. Don’t expect him to be there in the morning. He will be out hunting for a new kitty by the time you wake up. 

Now can they become domesticated after running wild for so long? Yes and no. In time they will try to settle down they get tired of running around. Usually that only last a little while.  Some one will leave a door open or a window open and out they go.

They have the chase in them and you can never change that. So when your out having fun and see a “Tom ” cat just remember they are just having fun. Will they ever come back? Sure they will if you feed a stray they alway eventually will come back. They don’t mean no harm. There just out having fun looking for a chase. No matter what they say they will leave in time. So don’t ever fall for a”Tom” cat you will end up getting your heart hurt. 

Wtf

I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!

Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.

I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.

I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.

When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.

I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.

I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.

I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol

The ocean

I wish life was as simple as the ocean. With every wave it erases everything. I wrote my name in the sand. Then a wave came and washed it away. You ever make a mistake and wish the wave would just erase it? I have done things in my life I am not proud of. It would take a flood to ease some of them.

Have you ever been in the ocean and have the waves beat you down. You try to stand and they just keeping knocking you down. That sums up my life. Some times there is a calm in ocean. I can stand freely and feel safe. Knowing at any point a big wave may come and knock me over.

No matter how many times the waves knock me over. I still try to stand back up. I no if I keep standing that eventually they will calm down again.

It’s when the big waves come and knock you down. You don’t try to stand back up is when there is a problem. If you stop fighting the waves. The ocean will win. It will take you away and you will be washed away.

You may feel like that is the best plan. It’s not! The ocean wants you to fight! Even though the ocean will never erase your mistakes. If the ocean is to rough just stand out and watch it for awhile. Let the waves pound the earth. Until your ready to deal with it.

Eventually you will be strong enough to handle even the big waves. Don’t fight so hard on the small waves save your energy for the big ones.

The best thing there are always people fighting the same waves. Some times it can make it easier to fight them together instead of alone.

Today I don’t feel like fighting the waves. Today I am just going to sit and watch them. Knowing I can’t always just sit and watch. I will have to get in and fight the waves. Hopefully there isn’t any big storms coming. So I can just relax and enjoy the the little waves for now………

When cats dream

I love to sleep! It’s when every thing is good. When I sleep you are here with me. We are back in our house and happy. I can even smell you in my sleep. I don’t need for anything. I have every thing I need. I get to lay on that great bed. I can feel you laying next to me.

Then I get woken by another furry thing that barks. So annoying, Not sure why humans like them so much. They are so needy. Maybe that’s what I need to be more needy. There are tons of kittys out here. You don’t see very many dogs. Now this thing wakes me up out of my happy place. Now I have to run because its now chasing me. I run up a big tree. He can’t climb so I am safe. I find a branch and off to sleep I go……

This time my dream is not good. I am searching for you. I can’t find you. You left me again! I can’t even have a good dream any more. I have a hard time remembering you. Soon I will forget your voice then your smell. My dreams won’t be happy any more. I don’t no how long you have been gone. I do no I want to find you. No one can take care of me like you.

Our time was cut short. You just left me one day. Until I can see you again I just hope to see you when I sleep. I hope I never forget you. The only time I feel happy is when I dream……

Lost???

I get lost every where! Or do I?? I never take the same way I came. When I climb a mountain or go for a walk in the woods. I never want to go the same way. This is true no matter what. Even going to work , I go one way there and different way home. I have been doing this my whole life. I guess I never realized this till lately. I alway end up lost. I once got so lost. I could not find my way for 5 hours. I had to have my ex hubby then hubby track me down the mountain.

Any one who knows me knows how distracted I get. I can lose my way from time to time. My life is more about about the adventure then the destination. I like to take the fun way.

I have actually found some really cool stuff be lost. One time the boys and I got lost in Vermont after climbing a mountain. Had no service to gps our are selves home. Of course I got lost! We found a homemade ice cram place. Then we found a river and covered bridge. The boys and dog got to go swimming. It was one of my favorite days. My ex husband was more about the destination then adventure.

I need some one who wants to get lost with me. I want some one taking the adventure with me instead of finding me.

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