Meeting evil

I was just little Kitty when I first realized what evil was. This man that I thought was my savior really was my enemy. I was just a tiny little kitty. All I wanted was to be loved and cared for. All you would do is tell me to go away. I would try to snuggle and give kisses, and you would shove me away. Sometimes you would hurt me. Some other times you pick me up and love on me. That would make me so happy. So all day while you were away. I would try to figure out what I did when you were pleased with me. So every day, I would try harder to make you want me.

As I got a little bigger. The days you yelled at me and hurt me. I started to fight back. I may have scratched you. Maybe I even bit you. I would feel horrible for being like that. All I wanted was for you to love me. I became more and more afraid of you. I spent many nights alone and sad. I was trying to figure out what I did. One day you left the door open by mistake, and I ran away. I was shocked you came for me. Maybe you did care for me. The nights you were mean to me, I would dream about the adventure I had.

The dream of running away had ended. I have kittens of my own. I know there is no way for me to care for them on my own. At first, he was very kind to babies. I thought maybe now he will be kind and lovable. Unfortunately, it was the same. I tried so hard to please him no matter what I did was never good enough. I figured as long as he is just horrible to me and not my babies, I was ok with that. For now….

It was years of being thrown down. Told I was not a nice kitty. My babies were older now, and I could see him being mean to them now too. He left that door open, and this time, we all ran! I ran so far he wouldn’t find me again!

It would be year’s later that I figured out there is evil everywhere! I started thinking it must be me. How can people be so mean to me when all I wanted was to please them since leaving that mean man. I have lived many places, some for a short time, some for longer. I realized being alone with my babies, well, they’re not babies anymore. Was the best for now. That got lonely sometimes, and I would adventure out again. Trying to find that perfect situation. I got to meet lots of Kittys like me. I like to call us the misfits. We have all misplaced from somewhere else. Some of them were mean to me also. I didn’t understand how someone could so mean to a lost little kitty. I realized I was back to my old habit of trying to please them. I was just trying to feel loved. Trying to fit into their world. It just wasn’t possible. They had different kind of life, and I did not fit in. No matter how I tried, they were just so mean.

Off to my new adventure…..,

Finally!!!

I don’t need to fake a smile, fake a laugh. I think at one point; I had real friends. It’s been so long since I felt I had friends. Every turn you took to hurt me. I came back with a smile. I believe some people feed off other’s pain. Even when I don’t like someone, I would never go out of my way to hurt them. It takes a special kind of person. I have lost friends before. I have never met someone who keeps breaking someone over and over again. I would smile through the pain. The emptiness I always felt. Yet, I came back for more. I would think maybe if I didn’t talk, you would stop trying to hurt me. That didn’t work. I would try to guess what happened to our friendship? What could I have done to make you not only hate me but destroy me? I still have no idea. At least the next time I see you. You will know no how I feel about you. Sadly losing you, I also lost some other friends. I hope they never get to see the evil side that I did.

It was odd some may have been upset when a friendship ends. I felt free! Free to tell how I felt for two years. Free that I will never painfully have to fake to like you. From now on, your just some person I used to know. You can’t hurt me anymore!

Run kitty run

Ugh, it’s cold again! I am out in the cold ! No one cares! Why do people think cats don’t feel pain! Well, we do, and we get sad when you leave us. When you throw us out in the cold and never come for us. We are scared and sad. Not any cat can take our place. We are all not the same! I am out in this damn cold because some other cat took my place! They are not me, and they can never replace me. Humans are so cruel! They take us in show us this great life then just throw us away. Trust me if I see that cat there will be a fight!

How dare she to take what I had! But then again, your just to blame! How dare you throw me out with no care. You just figured someone else would save me. Well, guess what, no one did. You moved on, and I am out roaming in this cold alone. Are you happy??? Happy that I am sad? Glad that I am alone, scared, and cold? Why would you care? You have another kitty. You had another kitty before you even kicked me out. Hoping I would be someone else’s problem. Well, don’t worry, you are free of me. I have stopped searching for you. I will never have that feeling of being safe again. I will always be on the run.

I know better than to trust, but sometimes I forget. The comfort takes over, and guards come down. I am too old for this. I should be warm and being taken care of. Instead, I am out here in the damn cold. At least my heart is safe!

Lies, lies and more lies

Was what we had even real??? I would have to say no. I really thought you were different than all of them. No, no, you weren’t. If not, you were worse. You lied and then lied more. Am I upset? Am I hurt? No, I am actually happy that I wasn’t crazy. I knew all along. Is what you did forgivable no, no, it isn’t. Not at all. You not only lied; you crushed me. You destroyed me! Just to know that you walked away from me just to be someone else. That you destroyed me with no care in the world. Not only did I love you, but you were also my friend! Do I feel better now that I know the truth? Yes, I do. Now I can move on. Realizing I was nothing to you, does it hurt? Yes, it does. Will I recover? Yes, I have already, kind of like putting a puzzle together and not being able to find the last few pieces. Well, I found them. Now I can put it to together and uncover a new mystery.

I wish you all the happens in the world. I love you still like my friend. I will never walk away as a friend. Would I ever trust you with my heart? No! Never! That part of my life with you is over. Do I question the time we spent together? Yes, I do. I hope all the lies were worth it. Not sure what I did in this life never to deserve love but I should if known. I’m like that stray cat that everyone loves till they get to close. I knew who you were when I got involved. It was my bad to think I was special. I knew better then to give you my heart.

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You are free of me and the past. I now know the truth, and now you can move on freely. Maybe someday I will find someone to love me. If not, I will survive. I love myself. Don’t worry about me; I am just fine. Just like the day you left me at the beach. Just to be with someone else. I hope she was worth it. I hope she takes care of you and gives you love that I couldn’t. I feel stupid that I thought you actually loved me. I was nothing but a fling to you. I am sorry for making you carry this lie for so long. I actually feel bad for you. I could never live with that lie. Then again, I could never destroy someone like you did. The lies are over. You are free

No!!!!!!!

A word I have such a hard time saying! How do you tell someone I don’t want you to pick me up! Is it because I’m so little and cute? At first, it’s ok. Can’t you tell I am squirming around? Can you not see I am uncomfortable? Sometimes I will just sit there and deal with it. Then I get annoyed. I yell and scream, and I may even scratch you. I don’t mean it, but I just couldn’t tell you NO! I don’t want to upset you. I know you just want to love on me. You mean no harm. I wish to be left alone. You have to wait for me to want you to pick me up. I can not guarantee that I will. ……

Just because I am out here roaming this world alone doesn’t mean I need you or even want you. Your not my owner, who left me. You can never be him. I may have forgotten how his voice sounded. I may have forgotten how I loved him to hold me. I am 100 percent positive if I ever see him again, he can pick me up. I search for him daily. I go back to the place he left me. He isn’t there. I know people don’t mean to upset me. I just don’t understand why they always want to pick me up! You can talk to me and pet me. Well, not always. Sometimes I wish to be left alone. I know I will walk this world alone unless I change my ways. But I am an old cat, and I don’t see that happening. There are days that I am sad and all I want is someone to pick me up and cuddle me. Those days are usually the days no one is around or cares that I am sad and lonely.

Words I can’t stand. You’re too cute and friendly to be a stray. Why do they assume I don’t like being a stray? I tried the house cat thing. I failed at it and ended back out on the streets. I believe this is where I belong. Why do they assume that I need someone? I mean, I miss the excellent food I used to get. Having to search for food every day gets tiring. I miss the nice comfy bed I would sleep in. Mainly I miss having someone love me. I have gotten catnapped before. They picked me up and brought me in a thing that went fast. It took me days to escape, and when I did, I had no idea where I was. It took me days to get back in my hood. I do have to run away from the pet police. If they get a hold of me, an old kitty like me doesn’t stand a chance to make it out alive. Will I give in one day and be a house kitty again? I guess time will tell. For right now, there are enough Tomcats to keep me happy. So if you see a cute kitty, don’t assume they want you to pick them up. You may say, why not just run away? The truth is profound down, I am really a scared kitty, and I really like attention and miss it so much. When receiving attention, I like it a lot. I know it’s false and short-lived. So I take what I can get for a short about of time.

Beyond sad

We woke up today to the worse news ever. You decided to leave this world to soon—so many questions. We will never understand why. Your decision will impact so many people for the rest of there lives. My son lost his best friend today. Why? You had your whole life in front of you. We never realized the pain you felt. The news of your passing has rocked all of us. You had so many people who would have helped. The pain I feel is for my sons. You have changed their lives forever.

You were always so caring. You always looked out for everyone. How could you just leave and not care? What it would do to everyone.

My son’s life will be changed forever. The loss of you will always stay with him. I can’t fix his pain. I can’t explain what I don’t understand. I hope to see my son be able to smile again. If I could take his pain away, I would.

Suicide is the most selfish thing. I can never understand it. Nothing can ever be that bad. I pray for my boys. I hope they can recover from this. Nothing will ever be the same. They will have to move on in life with the new standard, so many questions with no answers.

You will truly be missed. I pray for all of your family. I pray for all the ones you left behind.

You were only here for a short 19 years. At that time you helped a lot of people. You changed my son’s life. He will forever remember you.

Saturday!

It’s so nice out! Are we planing a beach day no! Are we looking for what bands are playing no! We heading out on a boat no! I never ever thought I would miss my friend so much! This new “normal” sucks! The news is so grim. I hate even listening to it. I fear for my parents so far away. I fear for every one. I try to stay home. I may go for a walk with no one around. I run in to stores to get what I can to feed my boys. No money coming in except from my ex for child support. That doesn’t cover the bills and food. I sit in this room day after day. I think screw it I will go to the front lines and work. Then the thought is if I get this? If I don’t live. My poor boys will have no one! I just can’t. I will just continue to try to pay who I can. Pray this all will end soon. Not knowing how long I can go with no money. This is not just my fear but thousands of people. Most likely more than that. Like if I go to work am I just causing this to spread to my family? Could I ever forgive myself if my sons got it? For money? It’s not worth my sons life. I have no idea when this will end. No one actually knows. I believe that is the scary part. How many more people have to die? Before people listen! I am poor as shit. No idea how to pay bills. Yet I stay home! The future is scary. This is going to cause some scary stuff. The world we are used to be won’t be any more. I try every day to think positive. I stay off social media for a couple of hours. I pray that some how this will all work out! Till then I smile

Cat Nap

I was awoken by a dog barking. The big ball of fire isn’t even up, yet. Lately it really doesn’t matter what time I roam around. It seems like there are more cats and dogs out, then humans.

No one wants to even pet me anymore. Lots of dogs are out, so I can’t even sneak in through the back yard. I am out roaming for food, and for any kind affection. People seem scared when they see me; I don’t understand. What have I done so wrong that no one wants me? I am hungry and my normal places have no food out.

Where are all the humans? Where is all the good food? Every human I see out has a dog with them. Dogs are fun to play with, but not when humans have them. The little humans seem to like me still. They always call me and pet me. They don’t seem to be bothered. From whatever has these humans are scared of. I have talked to my kitty friends. They have no idea. All they know is there is no food anywhere! I see my human friends. They also roam the streets with me. They said your lucky kitty! You can’t get this thing that kills us. Omg, I hope my human is safe! I know he left me to roam this damn world alone. I still remember my human. I miss him every night. I wonder if it even thinks about me? I am sure he has another kitty where ever he is. If I ever see my human again, I would forgive him. I would love to stop searching for a safe place to sleep and eat. No other human seems to want me. I have given up on even looking. Well, the dog has stopped barking. The ball of fire is still hidden. I found a comfy little spot. Back to my cat nap……

Searching

I walk in to my regular bar. Band is playing they are doing great! I feel the need to walk around. What am I searching for? I know your not here so what or who am I looking for? I take a glance around for familiar faces. I see some stop and say my hellos. Then on I go searching for ……. I don’t even know I kinda want to just walk away and walk the beach in hope I will find what I am searching for.

The band is playing the alcohol its flowing by the bartenders. (That was the last thing sober Julie had wrote)

Man with the blue shirt tried to be you. He grabbed my hand tried dancing with me. He is not you. Can’t dance at all. I danced the night away wishing I was with you. Sober Julie is way gone and drunk Julie has taken over. I am smiling and happy on the out side. While in the inside I feel like I a dying. The pain of you never being there with me again. Pain I will never dance the night away with you again.

Tonight people will only see what I want them to see. That is fake smile and no tears. Not sure what’s harder being happy or faking it. I have the feeling of I don’t belong. I have that feeling every where I am. So where do I belong? I feel like that book not my momma. It’s a bird trying to find who he belongs with. I have no idea. I don’t feel like I belong when I am out or when I am home or at work. Where do I belong? I feel like I need a tag return to sender. I was meditating one day I closed my eyes I got in a very happy place. I struggled to see who I was with. Where did my mind take me and with who? I was in shocked who actually was in my pease place. Oddly I will never see him again. I will never speak to him again. My heart and head are not in the same spot. Some day I will belong I hope. One day I will find some one that is good for my heart and head. Till then I will fake my smile and dance threw life. Till we meet again on this side or the other…….

If I cared….

While sober and cleared mind. I can tell you I don’t give a damn…

If I have I have ever told you I love you while not sober. Believe me it’s true. If I have ever cried about you while not sober. You are super important.

The sober Julie is broken. She cares for family and pets that’s all. They are the only ones never to hurt her.

Once asked if you had to leave right now what would you take. Easy my boys,pets, parents, and passports! That’s all. I have nothing that can’t be replaced. Is that sad at my age? Who the fucks knows. All I no I could care less about material shit. Judge me or not. I don’t give a shit really. I am at the point in my life. I am done sugar coding shit! You piss me off! You will no! To many times I have just let shit go! Nope not any more. I have nothing to lose and tons to gain.

If you are one of the many to fuck me over in my life. Well I am here to tell you fuck off! If you are one of them to say….You deserve so much better….fuck if I hear that line one more time in life….. I may just kick drop them.

Who the fuck are you tell me what I need! I need you! How many times I have sat there hearing this bs! I deserve so much better Bla Bla. Well guess what so much better isn’t knocking at my door. Because you thought I needed more then you. Please men stop using that line! It’s the worse. I was happy and you weren’t so…… I guess what your saying is you need some one better. This line is just like your a great fuck but I don’t want to date you. Am I sad fuck no! I love my life! Most do not understand my life. I don’t really care.

There are few people who I love . They have no idea. If I ever lost them in my life . It would it crush me more then I can handle. I have lost a few who I love so much. Just wishing even a text some day would make me smile. Not sober or sober the love I have for them is so strong! It will last years!

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