Meeting evil

I was just little Kitty when I first realized what evil was. This man that I thought was my savior really was my enemy. I was just a tiny little kitty. All I wanted was to be loved and cared for. All you would do is tell me to go away. I would try to snuggle and give kisses, and you would shove me away. Sometimes you would hurt me. Some other times you pick me up and love on me. That would make me so happy. So all day while you were away. I would try to figure out what I did when you were pleased with me. So every day, I would try harder to make you want me.

As I got a little bigger. The days you yelled at me and hurt me. I started to fight back. I may have scratched you. Maybe I even bit you. I would feel horrible for being like that. All I wanted was for you to love me. I became more and more afraid of you. I spent many nights alone and sad. I was trying to figure out what I did. One day you left the door open by mistake, and I ran away. I was shocked you came for me. Maybe you did care for me. The nights you were mean to me, I would dream about the adventure I had.

The dream of running away had ended. I have kittens of my own. I know there is no way for me to care for them on my own. At first, he was very kind to babies. I thought maybe now he will be kind and lovable. Unfortunately, it was the same. I tried so hard to please him no matter what I did was never good enough. I figured as long as he is just horrible to me and not my babies, I was ok with that. For now….

It was years of being thrown down. Told I was not a nice kitty. My babies were older now, and I could see him being mean to them now too. He left that door open, and this time, we all ran! I ran so far he wouldn’t find me again!

It would be year’s later that I figured out there is evil everywhere! I started thinking it must be me. How can people be so mean to me when all I wanted was to please them since leaving that mean man. I have lived many places, some for a short time, some for longer. I realized being alone with my babies, well, they’re not babies anymore. Was the best for now. That got lonely sometimes, and I would adventure out again. Trying to find that perfect situation. I got to meet lots of Kittys like me. I like to call us the misfits. We have all misplaced from somewhere else. Some of them were mean to me also. I didn’t understand how someone could so mean to a lost little kitty. I realized I was back to my old habit of trying to please them. I was just trying to feel loved. Trying to fit into their world. It just wasn’t possible. They had different kind of life, and I did not fit in. No matter how I tried, they were just so mean.

Off to my new adventure…..,

Finally!!!

I don’t need to fake a smile, fake a laugh. I think at one point; I had real friends. It’s been so long since I felt I had friends. Every turn you took to hurt me. I came back with a smile. I believe some people feed off other’s pain. Even when I don’t like someone, I would never go out of my way to hurt them. It takes a special kind of person. I have lost friends before. I have never met someone who keeps breaking someone over and over again. I would smile through the pain. The emptiness I always felt. Yet, I came back for more. I would think maybe if I didn’t talk, you would stop trying to hurt me. That didn’t work. I would try to guess what happened to our friendship? What could I have done to make you not only hate me but destroy me? I still have no idea. At least the next time I see you. You will know no how I feel about you. Sadly losing you, I also lost some other friends. I hope they never get to see the evil side that I did.

It was odd some may have been upset when a friendship ends. I felt free! Free to tell how I felt for two years. Free that I will never painfully have to fake to like you. From now on, your just some person I used to know. You can’t hurt me anymore!

Your past will catch up to you

Best saying don’t let your past be your future. The only problem with that is if you lie, your lies become your future. You can not outrun lies. It’s like three mayor rules do not lie, cheat, or steal. For some reason, people have a hard time following these three simple rules in life. Not sure why? One lie because of another, and then it snowballs. It is unfortunate to see some will never learn. You are not caring who their lies hurt. I hate when they say I was protecting you. You should never and never have to lie to someone. You are only prolonging their pain. Treat others as you want to be treated—another easy rule.

In some ways, most people live a lie. They own stuff that’s not theirs. They buy on credit. If you live on credit, you live a lie. Unfortunately, that’s the American way. People live in houses they really can’t afford; they drive cars they can not afford. Why? Well, it’s the American way. My eyes, you’re stupid! If you don’t have cash for it, don’t buy it! Stop living a lie! I live in the hood. Why? Because that’s what I can afford. I refuse to live a lie. I did that for way too many years. Was I happy? No! Not at all. Am I happy now that I live the truth? Hell yeah! You should try it. Most will never. They are so glad living there lie. Until it all falls apart, trust me, when it all falls apart, and it will, it sucks! All lies catch up one way or another.

Run kitty run

Ugh, it’s cold again! I am out in the cold ! No one cares! Why do people think cats don’t feel pain! Well, we do, and we get sad when you leave us. When you throw us out in the cold and never come for us. We are scared and sad. Not any cat can take our place. We are all not the same! I am out in this damn cold because some other cat took my place! They are not me, and they can never replace me. Humans are so cruel! They take us in show us this great life then just throw us away. Trust me if I see that cat there will be a fight!

How dare she to take what I had! But then again, your just to blame! How dare you throw me out with no care. You just figured someone else would save me. Well, guess what, no one did. You moved on, and I am out roaming in this cold alone. Are you happy??? Happy that I am sad? Glad that I am alone, scared, and cold? Why would you care? You have another kitty. You had another kitty before you even kicked me out. Hoping I would be someone else’s problem. Well, don’t worry, you are free of me. I have stopped searching for you. I will never have that feeling of being safe again. I will always be on the run.

I know better than to trust, but sometimes I forget. The comfort takes over, and guards come down. I am too old for this. I should be warm and being taken care of. Instead, I am out here in the damn cold. At least my heart is safe!

Lies, lies and more lies

Was what we had even real??? I would have to say no. I really thought you were different than all of them. No, no, you weren’t. If not, you were worse. You lied and then lied more. Am I upset? Am I hurt? No, I am actually happy that I wasn’t crazy. I knew all along. Is what you did forgivable no, no, it isn’t. Not at all. You not only lied; you crushed me. You destroyed me! Just to know that you walked away from me just to be someone else. That you destroyed me with no care in the world. Not only did I love you, but you were also my friend! Do I feel better now that I know the truth? Yes, I do. Now I can move on. Realizing I was nothing to you, does it hurt? Yes, it does. Will I recover? Yes, I have already, kind of like putting a puzzle together and not being able to find the last few pieces. Well, I found them. Now I can put it to together and uncover a new mystery.

I wish you all the happens in the world. I love you still like my friend. I will never walk away as a friend. Would I ever trust you with my heart? No! Never! That part of my life with you is over. Do I question the time we spent together? Yes, I do. I hope all the lies were worth it. Not sure what I did in this life never to deserve love but I should if known. I’m like that stray cat that everyone loves till they get to close. I knew who you were when I got involved. It was my bad to think I was special. I knew better then to give you my heart.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

You are free of me and the past. I now know the truth, and now you can move on freely. Maybe someday I will find someone to love me. If not, I will survive. I love myself. Don’t worry about me; I am just fine. Just like the day you left me at the beach. Just to be with someone else. I hope she was worth it. I hope she takes care of you and gives you love that I couldn’t. I feel stupid that I thought you actually loved me. I was nothing but a fling to you. I am sorry for making you carry this lie for so long. I actually feel bad for you. I could never live with that lie. Then again, I could never destroy someone like you did. The lies are over. You are free

No!!!!!!!

A word I have such a hard time saying! How do you tell someone I don’t want you to pick me up! Is it because I’m so little and cute? At first, it’s ok. Can’t you tell I am squirming around? Can you not see I am uncomfortable? Sometimes I will just sit there and deal with it. Then I get annoyed. I yell and scream, and I may even scratch you. I don’t mean it, but I just couldn’t tell you NO! I don’t want to upset you. I know you just want to love on me. You mean no harm. I wish to be left alone. You have to wait for me to want you to pick me up. I can not guarantee that I will. ……

Just because I am out here roaming this world alone doesn’t mean I need you or even want you. Your not my owner, who left me. You can never be him. I may have forgotten how his voice sounded. I may have forgotten how I loved him to hold me. I am 100 percent positive if I ever see him again, he can pick me up. I search for him daily. I go back to the place he left me. He isn’t there. I know people don’t mean to upset me. I just don’t understand why they always want to pick me up! You can talk to me and pet me. Well, not always. Sometimes I wish to be left alone. I know I will walk this world alone unless I change my ways. But I am an old cat, and I don’t see that happening. There are days that I am sad and all I want is someone to pick me up and cuddle me. Those days are usually the days no one is around or cares that I am sad and lonely.

Words I can’t stand. You’re too cute and friendly to be a stray. Why do they assume I don’t like being a stray? I tried the house cat thing. I failed at it and ended back out on the streets. I believe this is where I belong. Why do they assume that I need someone? I mean, I miss the excellent food I used to get. Having to search for food every day gets tiring. I miss the nice comfy bed I would sleep in. Mainly I miss having someone love me. I have gotten catnapped before. They picked me up and brought me in a thing that went fast. It took me days to escape, and when I did, I had no idea where I was. It took me days to get back in my hood. I do have to run away from the pet police. If they get a hold of me, an old kitty like me doesn’t stand a chance to make it out alive. Will I give in one day and be a house kitty again? I guess time will tell. For right now, there are enough Tomcats to keep me happy. So if you see a cute kitty, don’t assume they want you to pick them up. You may say, why not just run away? The truth is profound down, I am really a scared kitty, and I really like attention and miss it so much. When receiving attention, I like it a lot. I know it’s false and short-lived. So I take what I can get for a short about of time.

Running from something or chasing something…..

I was on the plane, and a man sat next to me. Maybe he could see tears in eyes, perhaps not. He says, are you running from something or are chasing something? I said both. He said, please explain we have a 14-hour flight. You seem like you have an exciting story. I laughed and said if I started from the beginning, we need longer then 14 hours.

I said, well, would you like to hear what am I running from? Or would you rather listen to what I am chasing first? He said I want to know the past before the future.

I am running from a lot of bad decisions. Not sure why I made the choices I did. I caused myself a lot of pain. He said, why what did you do. Well, for starters, I chose to put people in my life that really shouldn’t have been in there. I never tell people when they hurt me. I just walk away. My life is full of people that have taken a piece of me away. I learned the hard way a friend can’t be ”lost.” No one can take away your true friend. I have met so many great people in every state. I have lived in. As one of my friends says, this too shall pass soon, and all will be great again! I hear those words daily. I often wonder if people know they hurt me as badly as they do. Or if they even care. He said, well, why don’t you tell them? Why? Then they would be nice again? Why would I want that I already saw their true colors? I feel like I kind of have a gift I see more than most. He says, how is that? I see people for who they are, for most people can not. I also know more than most people think I do.

I have only really trusted one guy with my heart. He says I assume it didn’t go well because he isn’t here. Once again, he was more important to me than I was to him. That is a very big pattern in my life. He planed a whole life without me and left. I mean it was great I wish I could have done it, but I had kids. If I were important to him, he would have waited for me. I would have waited for him. That’s just how my life has gone. Always there for everyone and no one there for me. Well, my parents and boys, I would have nothing if it weren’t for them.

I feel like I lived so many different lives. He says, why do you say that? Well, I have been broke and rich. I have married and single. He says, wait, you have been married? Is he the one you trusted with your heart? Sadly no. He was the cause of a lot of heartache in my life. That being said, he gave me the two best things no one else could. He gave me my boys. So far, he is the only man to put up for me for that long. I believe I was only supposed to marry once and only have my two boys. I believe there was a plan. There is a definite pattern in life. The only one that doesn’t fit is marriage and kids.

You’re going to have to explain that more he said. Since the age of like 14 till now. I never really dated anyone long term ever. The only person I did I married. I am usually not the girl people pick to date. Not sure why? Thinking it must be my personality or lifestyle. Maybe the only reason the one guy that stole my heart was because he the only one ever to pick me. Then again, in his mind, I was short term till his next life. So really, he wasn’t much different than the rest just better at hiding it. I think every time someone decides, I am not good enough to be there girlfriend; they take a piece of me away. I stopped even looking because of this. I was afraid there would be nothing left of me. It’s sad to me because I have so much to give. He asked, what does that mean? When I love someone as a friend or boyfriend, I take care of them.

More importantly, the worse of my patterns is losing ”friends.” Nothing worse than being betrayed by a friend, nothing. I hold a lot of pain in me. So much pain, I am starting not to know myself anymore.

He says, what do you mean by that? I figured everyone couldn’t be wrong, so it has to be me. The problem has to be me. How do I change me? How do I be the girl guys want to date how do I be that friend won’t get betrayed? I have yet figured out that question.

So you ask what I am running from? I am running from myself. I have already done this once before. I am hoping this time will be even better. He asked what you have done before? The boys and I moved far away from every one started new. Fresh Start! That’s how I know it’s me. The problem is with me. The only problem is I have no idea how to fix it. He says maybe stop running and tell them how bad they hurt you? I believe in Karma and for all who have wronged me will get what they should. I also thank them all for making me who I am today. Who knows maybe they will read my blog one day and realize what they have done. That’s interesting you write a blog? I said, yes, I do. He asks what I will be in your blog? You will be the man sitting next to me on a plane. Interesting…

O my God

Looking at the pictures I keep on my shelf
‘Cause it’s been so long since I’ve looked like myself
Burn another candle down
Burn another candle down
Running low on patience, running low on fumes
I’m never gonna make it halfway to the moon
But it’s too late to turn around
But it’s too late to turn aroundI’m running out of oxygen
I’ll never be the same again now
Same again nowOh my god, I can’t remember
Who I was just last December
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Oh my god, look in the mirror
I was young, nothing to fear once
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?Maybe I was foolish, I guess I was naive
I didn’t know what I had, and I thought I had to leave
I wish that I was homeward bound
I wish that I was homeward bound
I’m searching for a signal, holding out my phone
Have I gone too far, am I on my own?
No one here to hold me now
No one here to hold me nowI’m running out of oxygen
Can’t help but wish I’d stayed
I’m lost just like Will Robinson
Or rocket man in spaceOh my god, I can’t remember
Who I was just last December
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Oh my god, look in the mirror
I was young, nothing to fear once
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Mm, mm
Mm, mm
Mm, mmOh my god, I can’t remember
Who I was just last December
Who I was just last December
Oh my godOh my god, look in the mirror
I was young, nothing to fear once
What have I done, how did I get here?
What have I done?
Mm, mm
Mm, mm

Song by Alec Benjamin

This city

I’ve been seeing lonely people in crowded rooms
Covering their old heartbreaks with new tattoos
It’s all about smoke screens and cigarettes
Looking through low lights at silhouettes
But all I see is lonely people in crowded roomsThis city’s gonna break my heart
This city’s gonna love me then leave me alone
This city’s got me chasing stars
It’s been a couple months since I felt like I’m home
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This city’s gonna break my heart
She’s always gonna break your heart, ohI remember mornings when my head didn’t hurt
And I remember nights when art didn’t feel like work
She wakes up at noon and she’s out ’til three
She leaves her perfume all over me
But I remember mornings when my head didn’t hurtOh, this city’s gonna break my heart (it’s gonna break my heart)
This city’s gonna love me then leave me alone
This city’s got me chasing stars (got me chasing stars)
It’s been a couple months since I felt like I’m home (oh)
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This city’s gonna break my heart
She’s always gonna break your heartOoh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oohShe got a hold on me
She got me wrapped ’round her finger
She got a hold on me
She got me wrapped ’round her fingerThis city’s gonna break my heart (oh, yeah)
This city’s gonna love me then leave me alone (it’s gonna love me then leave me alone)
This city’s got me chasing stars (oh)
It’s been a couple months since I felt like I’m home
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This city’s gonna break my heart (hey, yeah)
She’s always gonna break your heartOoh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ohThis city’s gonna break my heart, hey
She’s always gonna break your heart

This CitySong by Sam Fischer

Lost in this crazy world

Lately, I am just lost. I can’t find myself. I’ve been taken in and thrown out so many times. I have just given up. I can’t find someone to love me if I can’t love myself. I used to wake up with a purpose. Now it just seems like I roam around. It even looks like all the tomcats have found someone.

Not sure how I got there but managed to find one of the places I used to stay. I saw her sitting in my window. The place I sat a year ago. I wonder why she got chosen, and I got thrown out. I sat and watched awhile until my heart hurt. I realized I would never be selected. I will most likely walk this world alone. Am I that bad of a Kitty? Lots of people stop and pet me, and they even give me food. Then they just move on. I often wonder if anyone ever thinks about me. If anyone ever misses me. I wonder if they ever see me out and feel sorry they threw me out. Most likely not. They all have cats of there own. There are just too many cats. I need to go somewhere that I am the only cat available.

I just keep running around this place. It seems like I am running in circles. No day looks different. All my days look the same. I have given up hope. I just have to figure out how to roam this world alone.

There seems to be a storm coming. I guess today will be a new adventure. I am going to find some food and run and hide. I really wish I had someone who let me stay in and keep me dry.

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