How????

You say, “Don’t be sad.” How?!? You plan your future without me. But yet, I am laying next to you. With every day of more and more hurt, its like being dead and watching someone plan your funeral.

You say, “Aren’t you happy for me?” Um, No. I am not. How could I be? Your life won’t have me in it. There is nothing making you go; only just to do it. Hurt doesn’t even to begin to explain what I feel. Sad doesn’t either. Knowing you are choosing to leave and plan a future without me; words can’t even explain how it feels.

Maybe I was what you needed; for so long, everyone hurt you. I get to be the person you destroy; you get to be the one this time. I understand I am nothing to you; just someone to pass time along until your dream became a reality. Can I ever forgive you for hurting me like this? No! I can’t. The day you leave will be the last time I see you.

How stupid of me to let my heart heal. You are no different then everyone else. The fact that you’re leaving is one thing, but to plan a whole future without me, is unforgivable.

I am glad I got to be the one. It’s been so long since I felt anything at all. I will enjoy the time we have left, but don’t ask me to be happy for you. I will not throw you a party. I don’t want you to go. Your time is not done here, yet. I hope your life is all, and more than you want. I would never wish you anything less. Just understand what your leaving behind. You’re so busy planing your future, you’re forgetting who is standing next to you…..

If cats could cry

If cats could cry, my whiskers would soaked with tears. The other night when you were crying, I licked your tears away. Wishing I could also cry. I finally found a safe place to stay; a place I would love to call home. All you say is you can’t wait to leave. You don’t have to leave me, but you choose to. Why do you still hold me and tell me you miss me while your gone? I have never done any thing wrong. All I did was let you play with me. I purr the minute I see you. I never want morning to come. With each night that passes, you get closer and closer to leaving me. Don’t you worry that someone might take me? What if I get lost and starve to death? How could you just leave me, and not care?

I know there is another cat waiting for you there. She won’t be anything like me. I am the best cat out there, and you have me. You’re just going throw me out and leave? Why??!? What on earth did I do so wrong? I look at you with sad eyes. I love you and I don’t want you to go. All I can do is show you. If cats could cry…..

The Other Woman

For so many years I was always the other woman. I was the other person; not the one they wanted to date…not the one they wanted to marry. I was ust the woman to have fun with. I never understood this. I was such a nice person. What did all these other woman have that I didn’t? So many times, the guys I liked would show up with girlfriends. I would have to watch them kiss and dance with them. I was always wondering, “What do they have I don’t?” “Why did I end up in the friend pile?” or “Why was I just the fun girl?”

It was always so sad, but I blocked it with a smile, and never let anyone know how bad it hurt. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not smart enough? I guess it was because I was still broken. I thought I was ready to love again, but my mind was not. I am outgoing and funny, and I talk to everyone, but I never talk about how I really feel.

I think that maybe my best friend, who never drinks, most likely knows more about me then most, lol. There were so many nights that I am sure she heard it all, lol. Thank God she can be trusted with secrets. I have watched so many that I had felt strong connection with, pass me by. I always reasoned, “Oh well. It was not meant to be.”

I just gave up and I figured I would be alone forever. No one can fix my broken heart. I have too many issues that I have never dealt with. I guess my mind was always still married. Once married and that’s it, you can never love again. I was just so broken. I never realized how broken I really was. I was able to just walk away with no strings attached.

Who have I become?  I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I said, “That’s it! I am broken and fat. It’s time to fix me.” That’s just what I did. I took care of me. After my boyfriend’s job ended here, he packed up and left. The night before he left, he told me I packed on some pounds and became weak. Wait! WTF! Weak?! I have heard those words before….from my ex-hubby as he was slamming me against the wall…that time with the boys right there.

I told myself I will never be that person again, yet I did. WTF!!!

So I worked on me. I started working out and took my DNA test. I went every week to get my vitamin B12 shot, and I got weighed in, and every week the scale kept going down. I became happy. I started to heal. I woke happy…like really happy! Happy to be alive. happy I had my boys. Just happy! I was excited to go work out. I really cannot express how happy I felt.

Then it happened. I became the one! He wanted to date me! He liked me! So many great things have happened to me. I wake up smiling that God gave me another day. I am so happy I can’t ever remember feeling like this. Not only because someone likes me. Because of my life the changes I made. I literally feel like my heart has healed and so has my mind.

The dark days are behind me and I never want to go back. Only wining the lottery would make me more happy. I love every day. I am happy, and really feel it. I lied for so many years saying I was happy, because I forgotten what happy really feels like.

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