Lost my way!

brown bare trees on the woods
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I decided one day to take a walk on the train tracks. I was tired of streets and cars. I wanted to walk some where quiet. I just needed a break. Growing up we lived near the train tracks. We would walk for hours on them. We even had many parties down there.  I usually walk with my dogs but today I was alone. I am not sure why today I decided to walk alone.

I must of just got busy in my own head. Before I new it, hours have gone by. My tummy was getting hungry and I could see it was getting dark. No idea where I am. I am used to getting lost, pretty much been lost my whole life. I always end up finding my way one way or another. Kinda like a cat with 9 lives.

 

afterglow art backlit birds
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Well I pull out my phone no service. Where the hell am I that there is no service? I am tired of walking so I sit down. I find some snacks in my backpack. That I was happy I had some in there. Ugh well no phone service and now its dark. I lay down for a bit try to figure out this mess I am in.

I guess I must off fell asleep because I am awoken from a train whistle. O damn I just realized where I am. I go to get up and my foot is stuck! WTF!!!

red train on tracks with green grass beside under bright sky
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My foot is stuck Damn It! How the hell did this happen. As I am watching the train coming. I start pleading. I am not ready yet! I just lost my way! My boys need me. I am not ready please I will pay more attention in life! I guess you really start to barging with God. My heart was beating so loud. I swear I couldn’t even hear the train. Damn it no one will believe I just got lost! Well I think about it yea they will. Damn it I can’t get my foot out!

close up photography of yellow alarm clock
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All of a sudden I hear familiar sound. Its my alarm! I open my eyes I am in my bed! WTF that was crazy dream. I woke happy to be alive. I didn’t care that boys left a mess last night. I was more then happy to clean it. I brought the dogs out and just sat there and let the morning sun hit me in my face. My heart was still beating super fast. I thanked God for today and every day. I guess some times you just have to lose your way. To realize what is important to you.

 

 

 

 

Bad decisions

Since I was born I was told don’t fall for a “tom’ cat. They are only good for fun. That being said fun they are! How do you know a “Tom” cat is a “Tom” cat. Well first of all if you see him out and about pretty sure he is. If he out all the time he is not domesticated. Some times in life all you want is “Tom” cat. If you want to run around and have some fun then they are perfect for you. Don’t expect him to be there in the morning. He will be out hunting for a new kitty by the time you wake up. 

Now can they become domesticated after running wild for so long? Yes and no. In time they will try to settle down they get tired of running around. Usually that only last a little while.  Some one will leave a door open or a window open and out they go.

They have the chase in them and you can never change that. So when your out having fun and see a “Tom ” cat just remember they are just having fun. Will they ever come back? Sure they will if you feed a stray they alway eventually will come back. They don’t mean no harm. There just out having fun looking for a chase. No matter what they say they will leave in time. So don’t ever fall for a”Tom” cat you will end up getting your heart hurt. 

Wtf

I believe that men and I guess woman but I speaking as a woman so. Men should have to fill out an application before they get a date. I want reference!

Just because you buy dinner does not give you a pass to grope me! It’s not like a fucking down payment. Don’t think that if I hug you it means more.

I am nice and I hate conflict. I hate to be mean. So it makes it hard when some one does something that I don’t want. I have drove away from a groping date. Before I pull out I hit block. Is that right no! It’s not. I do what I hate when it’s done to me.

I have had some one tell me I am just not for them. It hurt worse then being blocked. The words hurt. It felt like just like when I was married. When he said I just don’t want you.

When I go on date and they ask me about my ex. I just say he fucked my best friend. Then the conversation is over. There is so much more but I will never talk about.

I have gotten to close to some. I told them my dark past. In there meanest they have used it against me.

I have no idea what has happened in this crazy world. Many days I just give up. I rather just stay single.

I have heard stories from my guy friends that woman are just as crazy. I could image that. Maybe we are all crazy became we have to deal with crazy ass men!!! Lol

I don’t drink coffee!

Apparently I must now add that to my online profile. The list is long. The things I like todo with a list of things I don’t like. I now cut and paste my profile. Ugh online dating in your 40s sucks!!!!

If people could just be honest on what they want it would be a lot easier. You would think that men in there 40s and 50s would be out of the hook up stage. Wrong!!! Worse they lie about it.

For the longest I just removed myself from all sites. I gave up I did a year or longer single. It was great. After awhile it gets lonely and boring. I go back on there . I find the same bs games as before. I then pull myself back off. Ugh!!!!

I am like screw it if games is what they want to play. Then damnit let’s play! I will sit threw horrible dates praying that lunch or dinner is over. You want to meet for coffee??? Wtf when did that become a thing. Why don’t we go to McDonald’s drive threw? Then right to your house? Has it really came to this. A man can’t even buy you a meal any more? I feel like telling them no let’s meet for water. Then at no point do I owe you anything at all.

I can spot a serial dater that’s what my friend calls them lol. They say let’s meet for coffee. Serial dater doesn’t want to keep wasting money on meals. I once had a guy say you can come to my house and cook for me . Wtf should I be barefoot and pregnant too.

The drop off that pisses me off more then anything. For no reason they just stop responding. No reason nothing just ghosted. Then some times they will send a random text like 4 months later really???? Like wtf um no. One of my blogs will be 50 worst dates. I will do 10 on each. They are all true even though you won’t believe how bad they are.

This is one thing I hate my friends have also complained about this. They lie about how tall you they are. Like really dude if we meet you we will no your not 5″9. What do you think? Your going to win us over with your great personality. Right off the bat we no your a lier. If this a “coffee” date that would be worse!

Cell Phone

Do you ever look around and see how many people are on their phone? I am not just talking about just young people, either; it’s everyone! I remember one night I was out with friends and we were all on our phones. One of my friends said, “Well, I guess I will get mine too.” I looked around and everyone was on them. No one was talking, they were just on their phones. When did we become these people? Why can’t we get unplugged for a night?

One day I left for a doctors appointment and I forgot my phone. At first there was full panic, then I was like, “I kinda enjoy this.” I sat down and waited and looked over at my son, who hadn’t stopped texting since we left the house. I look over and everyone waiting was on their phone. I was like, “Well, damn! I will Just watch the tv.” As I am writing this blog, right now, I am in the pool on my phone.

When did our phone become our lifeline? If I lost my phone, the only people I could call would be only one of my sons, and my mom and dad’s home phone. When did that happen? I used to know everyones phone number by heart. I don’t even own a camera, I take all my photos on my phone. I think I talk to my kids in text, more then I do in person.

At work there is no radio, so literally all you hear is like 20 conversations going on. Sometimes I wish we had a radio just to block out all the conversation I hear. It’s so nice at work because I am not allowed to have my phone.  When I get my break, it’s a treat to see what had happened in the world, while I was stuck in hell.

My kids never seem to understand the fact that I don’t have my phone at work. For them to go eight hours without one would be some kind of torture. They will say,  “Mom! I texted you. Why didn’t you respond?” I will tell them, yet again, I do not have my cell at work.

While I was married, it was always the computer! It came first, then the boys, then me. Ugh! I hated that damn thing! Then from there, it became the cell phone. I can say that Facebook definitely helped my marriage end. I know that I can’t be the only person who can say that. When your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife is always on their phone, you have to wonder what is more important then talking to you? Who are they talking to? Have you ever texted someone and didn’t get a response, but then see they are active on Facebook, or post something. Wtf!!!

The worst thing is when their phone rings late at night, when your both in bed together. Who is calling, and why? It’s like having a third person in your relationship. It just makes you question so much; all because of the cellphone. I read online that a restaurant had opened up that blocks cellphones towers; it makes people talk! Why is that news? Is that how bad it has gotten? Most likely the people at work know better then anyone, because there are no cell phones for us, for seven hours. No music…nothing.

Our phones are used for so much; music, photos, social media, texting, emailing and even the lost feature…making a phone call. The next time you’re out with friends, or having a nice dinner with loved ones, put the phone away.

Enjoy the moment.

The Other Woman

For so many years I was always the other woman. I was the other person; not the one they wanted to date…not the one they wanted to marry. I was ust the woman to have fun with. I never understood this. I was such a nice person. What did all these other woman have that I didn’t? So many times, the guys I liked would show up with girlfriends. I would have to watch them kiss and dance with them. I was always wondering, “What do they have I don’t?” “Why did I end up in the friend pile?” or “Why was I just the fun girl?”

It was always so sad, but I blocked it with a smile, and never let anyone know how bad it hurt. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not smart enough? I guess it was because I was still broken. I thought I was ready to love again, but my mind was not. I am outgoing and funny, and I talk to everyone, but I never talk about how I really feel.

I think that maybe my best friend, who never drinks, most likely knows more about me then most, lol. There were so many nights that I am sure she heard it all, lol. Thank God she can be trusted with secrets. I have watched so many that I had felt strong connection with, pass me by. I always reasoned, “Oh well. It was not meant to be.”

I just gave up and I figured I would be alone forever. No one can fix my broken heart. I have too many issues that I have never dealt with. I guess my mind was always still married. Once married and that’s it, you can never love again. I was just so broken. I never realized how broken I really was. I was able to just walk away with no strings attached.

Who have I become?  I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I said, “That’s it! I am broken and fat. It’s time to fix me.” That’s just what I did. I took care of me. After my boyfriend’s job ended here, he packed up and left. The night before he left, he told me I packed on some pounds and became weak. Wait! WTF! Weak?! I have heard those words before….from my ex-hubby as he was slamming me against the wall…that time with the boys right there.

I told myself I will never be that person again, yet I did. WTF!!!

So I worked on me. I started working out and took my DNA test. I went every week to get my vitamin B12 shot, and I got weighed in, and every week the scale kept going down. I became happy. I started to heal. I woke happy…like really happy! Happy to be alive. happy I had my boys. Just happy! I was excited to go work out. I really cannot express how happy I felt.

Then it happened. I became the one! He wanted to date me! He liked me! So many great things have happened to me. I wake up smiling that God gave me another day. I am so happy I can’t ever remember feeling like this. Not only because someone likes me. Because of my life the changes I made. I literally feel like my heart has healed and so has my mind.

The dark days are behind me and I never want to go back. Only wining the lottery would make me more happy. I love every day. I am happy, and really feel it. I lied for so many years saying I was happy, because I forgotten what happy really feels like.

Distracted Driving

Distracted Driving. No, I’m not talking about using your cell phone, but yeah that is a problem. I am talking about your mind distracting you. Have you ever driven somewhere and thought, “How the hell did I get here? How was I so lost in thought that I just got here. Did I stop at any red lights?”

This is what is wrong with our world, we are so busy in our heads that we don’t see anything. Some people live only 15 minutes from the ocean, and yet, they haven’t been there in years; it’s true when people say this. I am like, “WTF!” When I lived in New Hampshire. People would see mountains all day, but drive right past them and have never climbed one.

Me, on the other hand, bought a book to help me find every mountain I could climb within 4 hours from me. I climbed a mountain every weekend. Now that I live by the ocean I try to go to the beach every week; even in the winter. If I put my toes in and they don’t freeze, I jump right in, clothes and all. I live for the moment and enjoy where I am.

I live in a place where people save up all year just to visit for a week. Yet, I get caught up in life and forget where I am going. We become robots; get up, go to work, come home, relax. Yet, we live where people go on vacation.

It’s a good thing our red lights are 5 minutes long. For real. Moving from the north, I really thought the stoplights were broke. Maybe they make them take so long, so you have time to slow down and look around; take in everything. Next time your at a red light, think “Maybe I need to look around.” If your not stuck in your own mind.

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