Crazy!!!!

I really wish I had some one that wanted to write for me. The shit that is in my head should be shared. After a rude blogger made fun of my spelling. I have tried not to blog that much. I have no one to prof read my blogs. Because of my learning disability it’s super hard for me. When some one calls me out on it I get me upset and feel stupid. My blogs just like my life. People promise me I will always help you blog. Then they don’t! I mess something up and they go away. What ever enough about that…

This world has gone crazy! I am scared to go out! I am scared to go near people! I am a people person. Today I threw on my headphones and danced and sang. The few people I saw just laughed and waved. This shit is real. I have always ended conversation with stay safe! Now that shit is for real! Stay safe! This world we live in will never be the same. I hope and pray that my family and none of my family members get this. I feel like I am playing Russian roulette every time I leave this house. The horrible things I think about. What if I get this? What happens if I am one the many that die? I swear if we all make it threw this horrible time. If we all stay safe, I am going to live like no other! I am going to travel. I am going to get my shit together to move the hell out of this country! Peru we will be there as soon as the world goes back.

I know better!!

I know better don’t fall for a Tom cat! This tom cat is so much different then all the others. They usually run away fast. They never usually return. You always return.

The most kindest Tom cat I have ever met. You seem to find me where ever I show up. You always tell me find your self a good Tom cat. I don’t need any others just you. I think of you often. I know you are busy with a another kitty. You only stray when you can. I do realize that every time you are let out. You always find me! I do realize there are so many others you could be with.

Your on a different level of just the normal Tom cat. You have hung out with all my kitty friends. They have hard time understanding our situation. Some one left open the door. So he ran out. She always comes looking for her kitty. He is only aloud out for a awhile. In the short about of time we get I enjoy. I know you enjoy the time with me.

We are prefect for each other. My heart belongs to someone I can’t have. He belongs to some one who he needs to take care of him. Some how in this crazy world and situation we find each other. Until my heart can reconnect with whom it belongs to. I will keep playing the Tom cat games.

If I cared….

While sober and cleared mind. I can tell you I don’t give a damn…

If I have I have ever told you I love you while not sober. Believe me it’s true. If I have ever cried about you while not sober. You are super important.

The sober Julie is broken. She cares for family and pets that’s all. They are the only ones never to hurt her.

Once asked if you had to leave right now what would you take. Easy my boys,pets, parents, and passports! That’s all. I have nothing that can’t be replaced. Is that sad at my age? Who the fucks knows. All I no I could care less about material shit. Judge me or not. I don’t give a shit really. I am at the point in my life. I am done sugar coding shit! You piss me off! You will no! To many times I have just let shit go! Nope not any more. I have nothing to lose and tons to gain.

If you are one of the many to fuck me over in my life. Well I am here to tell you fuck off! If you are one of them to say….You deserve so much better….fuck if I hear that line one more time in life….. I may just kick drop them.

Who the fuck are you tell me what I need! I need you! How many times I have sat there hearing this bs! I deserve so much better Bla Bla. Well guess what so much better isn’t knocking at my door. Because you thought I needed more then you. Please men stop using that line! It’s the worse. I was happy and you weren’t so…… I guess what your saying is you need some one better. This line is just like your a great fuck but I don’t want to date you. Am I sad fuck no! I love my life! Most do not understand my life. I don’t really care.

There are few people who I love . They have no idea. If I ever lost them in my life . It would it crush me more then I can handle. I have lost a few who I love so much. Just wishing even a text some day would make me smile. Not sober or sober the love I have for them is so strong! It will last years!

Good in the hood

If I had all the money in world I would still rather live in the hood. People who have never had to hustle just to pay a bill. Would never ever understand the hood. I literally have friends who will never ever even come to my house. Does it offend me? Nope not in the slightest. Do I think it’s funny when people say well not in my neighborhood lol! That goes just like nope not my husband he would never! 15 years ago I was that person. I have learned you can live in the safest hood possible and not be safe. You can have the best marriage ever and still have it go to shit. I swear l laugh so hard when people say. I no where my hubby or wife is every minute. They could never. O how wrong they are. I love this one there aren’t any drugs or crime where I live. I have literally fallen down laughing. If they only had a clue.

Who am I to bust there bubble? Maybe there lies keep them happy at night. Maybe it’s like you really don’t want to no the answer so you don’t ask the questions? People literally will live there whole life living in there bubble. The problem is it only takes one sharp edge to make your bubble fall apart.

You ever ask your self why you get up every morning and go to a job you hate? I can tell you why. That is what we are taught. Go to work earn money. Slave your self just to get a paycheck. Just to pay the bills. Why because that’s the American dream right????

I can tell you right now when my youngest is 18. The 3 of will no longer be in this country. For now I am doing what I have to do. Will I ever go to job that I hate nope! Will I have to sell shit to pay a bill yep! Do I live in the hood yep! Am I happy? Yes!!! I do not need to live the American dream with the white fucking picket fence! Before long the government will be telling you what job you must work. In this “free” country that we live in. My next blog will be about how “free” we are. Till then it’s all good in my hood!

What do you do for a living?

The question I hate most of all! Why does it matter what I do for a living? Let me back up for a minute.

First of all I am not career kinda person. I never have been nor will I be. Why in this world do woman need to get married have kids make a living. Just to fit in this Society. Well I fell for this crap got married had 2 great boys. Had it all even the stupid white picket fence. I was living the American dream right?

Wrong! I was in silent hell! Stuck with bills we couldn’t pay a horrible marriage. I did everything right I followed all of society’s rules. So why did I feel like I was in hell every day?

I was often told go back to school. Why??? I hate school. Get a career. Why?? Why must every one follow theses rules. 

I broke all the rules! I got divorced. I moved 12 hours away from everyone. Just the boys and I. Here we go again must get a job. I call it a job because I hate going there. They pay me and I go home. So what do I do for a living…..I work.

Today I really broke all the rules. I no longer work. So dating is fun lol. Line 2 every time so what do you do for a living? Why does it matter? I stand at corner and beg for money. Lol! I don’t really just always thought that would be funny to say lol. I am not asking you for money or to support me. Society says we must have life figured out and have a career by now. Well guess what I don’t! How I make a living has nothing to do with who I am. 

Lost my way!

brown bare trees on the woods
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I decided one day to take a walk on the train tracks. I was tired of streets and cars. I wanted to walk some where quiet. I just needed a break. Growing up we lived near the train tracks. We would walk for hours on them. We even had many parties down there.  I usually walk with my dogs but today I was alone. I am not sure why today I decided to walk alone.

I must of just got busy in my own head. Before I new it, hours have gone by. My tummy was getting hungry and I could see it was getting dark. No idea where I am. I am used to getting lost, pretty much been lost my whole life. I always end up finding my way one way or another. Kinda like a cat with 9 lives.

 

afterglow art backlit birds
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Well I pull out my phone no service. Where the hell am I that there is no service? I am tired of walking so I sit down. I find some snacks in my backpack. That I was happy I had some in there. Ugh well no phone service and now its dark. I lay down for a bit try to figure out this mess I am in.

I guess I must off fell asleep because I am awoken from a train whistle. O damn I just realized where I am. I go to get up and my foot is stuck! WTF!!!

red train on tracks with green grass beside under bright sky
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My foot is stuck Damn It! How the hell did this happen. As I am watching the train coming. I start pleading. I am not ready yet! I just lost my way! My boys need me. I am not ready please I will pay more attention in life! I guess you really start to barging with God. My heart was beating so loud. I swear I couldn’t even hear the train. Damn it no one will believe I just got lost! Well I think about it yea they will. Damn it I can’t get my foot out!

close up photography of yellow alarm clock
Photo by Mr. Himal Chaudhary on Pexels.com

 

All of a sudden I hear familiar sound. Its my alarm! I open my eyes I am in my bed! WTF that was crazy dream. I woke happy to be alive. I didn’t care that boys left a mess last night. I was more then happy to clean it. I brought the dogs out and just sat there and let the morning sun hit me in my face. My heart was still beating super fast. I thanked God for today and every day. I guess some times you just have to lose your way. To realize what is important to you.

 

 

 

 

I just need you to know……

When I heard the news I just wanted to hear your voice. I just need to know your ok. There is no way for me to contact you. Trust me I tried every option. When you shut me out you boarded up the windows and the doors. I have held you so many nights while you cried. I can only image your pain now. Even though we have had zero contact in months. I think of you often. I may never ever speak to you again.  In my life I have lost a lot of friends. Losing you was the worst. We only new each other for a short amount of time. Some reason I just felt connected to you. I can only believe you did not feel the same. Since you were able to walk away from our friendship. My heart hurts for you, I just want to make sure your ok. I may never get my answer and that is something I have to live with. I can promise you, that if you pick up the phone in 2 years and call. I will answer. Friendships don’t expire. I connected with you the first time I met you. That I will never forget. Maybe just maybe you still follow my blogs. Most likely you do not. I believe when you cut me out of your life you cut every thing. Maybe some day you will read this and pick up the phone and I will answer. Till then I pray for you and your heart. I never nor will I ever forget about you. I just needed you to know…….

 

 

 

 

You are my fire

I was told that you were like the kindling that started my fire. I thought about it for awhile. I don’t think so I think you are my fire. With out you my fire has gone away. I have found tons of matches but nothing to light.

I have had couple of fires. While sitting back and enjoying it. Something never seemed right. It would shortly rain and the fire would be gone. I am not sure if I will have that fire again. Maybe it was once in a lifetime kinda thing. I hope not. Lots of kindling but no matches. With you the fire just burned with no problem. We had it all matches and kindling and no rain. I no if you could you would restart my fire. You never want me to with out it. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I wish it did.

So many things I can’t say……

I love you to the end of time. No matter where you are or who you with I love you! I don’t want you to leave me. I feel like we are story with no end. Our love just started and it’s time for you to go. I no you have to do this.

Your new chapter of life begone I am not part of it. I am happy for you. I no this is what you need. That doesn’t help my broken heart. Time will fix it. I will be fine don’t worry about me.

Some day I will have a new chapter. I hope to be able to share it with some one. Wishing it was you but I no it won’t be. I understand and I do forgive you for leaving me behind. I understand I am not ready and you could not wait. I hope your life is full of happiness and you find some one to love.

I would never wish anything bad for you. Your a great person and your so brave. Your story alone will get you love. So just no who ever your with and no matter where you are. My heart is still with you. I want you to find love. I want you to finally feel like you belong. I am so sorry you did not feel complete here. Please don’t worry about me. Don’t feel bad for leaving me. I could not give you what you needed. For that I am sorry.

Please move on stress free you are free! I free you of my heart. Well kinda of I still will always love you. Don’t worry about me. Just move on to your new chapter in life. I will go on and love again. The time we spent I will never forget ever. I don’t regret any time we spent I only wish we had more. I honestly think I could love you forever. I feel if I could ever marry again it would be you.

I liked you the first day I met you. I checked you out before I ever went that night. I wanted you for 3 years. Your heart was not free.

You showed me love like I have never felt. You made me feel happy. Happier then I have ever been. I will never hate you. I just wish we had more time.

I wish I could of shared more of my life with you. I have so much to give and no one to give it to. If your stressed or sad or missing me just dance! Dance like no one is watching! Dance like I am there. No I am thinking of you. No I missing you no matter where or who I am with.

Days will turn in to months, months will turn in to years. No matter how much times goes by you will still be a part of me.

I want you to find love. It can’t be me so I hope you find the one. You deserve love. You have to much not to. Any one who was able to love you would tell you. You love like no other. I want happiness for you. No matter who it with.

I hope to find love again like with you. Not sure if it’s possible but who knows. The future we have no idea what will happen. Just call me and I will be there for you always. Always no I am here for you. No matter who I am with you will always come first. I love you now I loved you then I will love you always. Till we meet again on this side or the other…….

Tired

I am so tired of roaming this world alone. I just want some one to want me. I am getting old and too tired to search. It used to be fun but now I am just lonely. The nights get cold with no one to cuddle with. The day’s are fine I just roam around looking for food and shelter. I just want some one to roam with me. What have I done so wrong in this life that no one wants me? Sure I can find a ‘Tom cat”. They are not long turn and they never stay. I just want a parter in this life. I am starting to think I will roam this earth alone forever. I manage to chase away any one who gets to close. I have no idea why. I have found a few who stayed for awhile but then something better came along. Alone again I was. I am not as playful as the young Kittys. They are cute and full of life. I am old and tired. I just don’t want to play anymore.



It all started when I was thrown out of my house 8 years ago. Since then I have not been able to find the right place to stay. I traveled far. Yet I still have no one to roam with. I realize it must be me. I am really starting to feel like there is no one out there to be my partner. Seasons change and winter turns in to summer. That’s how I know how long I have been alone. Not sure how much more seasons left I have. I just wish I could enjoy the rest of the seasons safe and with someone.

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