Saturday!

It’s so nice out! Are we planing a beach day no! Are we looking for what bands are playing no! We heading out on a boat no! I never ever thought I would miss my friend so much! This new “normal” sucks! The news is so grim. I hate even listening to it. I fear for my parents so far away. I fear for every one. I try to stay home. I may go for a walk with no one around. I run in to stores to get what I can to feed my boys. No money coming in except from my ex for child support. That doesn’t cover the bills and food. I sit in this room day after day. I think screw it I will go to the front lines and work. Then the thought is if I get this? If I don’t live. My poor boys will have no one! I just can’t. I will just continue to try to pay who I can. Pray this all will end soon. Not knowing how long I can go with no money. This is not just my fear but thousands of people. Most likely more than that. Like if I go to work am I just causing this to spread to my family? Could I ever forgive myself if my sons got it? For money? It’s not worth my sons life. I have no idea when this will end. No one actually knows. I believe that is the scary part. How many more people have to die? Before people listen! I am poor as shit. No idea how to pay bills. Yet I stay home! The future is scary. This is going to cause some scary stuff. The world we are used to be won’t be any more. I try every day to think positive. I stay off social media for a couple of hours. I pray that some how this will all work out! Till then I smile

I just need you to know……

When I heard the news I just wanted to hear your voice. I just need to know your ok. There is no way for me to contact you. Trust me I tried every option. When you shut me out you boarded up the windows and the doors. I have held you so many nights while you cried. I can only image your pain now. Even though we have had zero contact in months. I think of you often. I may never ever speak to you again.  In my life I have lost a lot of friends. Losing you was the worst. We only new each other for a short amount of time. Some reason I just felt connected to you. I can only believe you did not feel the same. Since you were able to walk away from our friendship. My heart hurts for you, I just want to make sure your ok. I may never get my answer and that is something I have to live with. I can promise you, that if you pick up the phone in 2 years and call. I will answer. Friendships don’t expire. I connected with you the first time I met you. That I will never forget. Maybe just maybe you still follow my blogs. Most likely you do not. I believe when you cut me out of your life you cut every thing. Maybe some day you will read this and pick up the phone and I will answer. Till then I pray for you and your heart. I never nor will I ever forget about you. I just needed you to know…….

 

 

 

 

Cold kitty

O damn it’s that time a year ago! It’s dark way too early. Its cold at night brrrr. I still haven’t found my forever home. I haven’t even been able to find a temporary house. All I want is to be cuddled up at the foot of your bed. I miss how grumpy you would get when I beg for food “to early ” .

Where are you?? You said you were going some where that it’s always warm. You told me I would not be welcome there. How do I find you? I didn’t realize how much I would miss you. Yes I miss the good food. I miss the warm house. No one pets me like you did. I wonder if you miss me. Did you find a another kitty over there?

This place is full of “Tom” cats. I am so over messing with them. I need to find a home and quick.

I find the place where you last were. The place is still empty. I go in walk around. It’s just a empty house with out you. I found a towel it smells like you. I will just lay here. I must of fallen asleep because I dreamt of you. I was so happy I didn’t want to wake up.

I hear a little person say mom this house has a cat. O hell no!!! I am way to old to deal with a little person. They have way to much energy and they are loud. I try to run but I am not as fast as her.

I hear the mom say don’t touch it. The cat might have bugs or a disease. “Well that was rude I think to my self”. Don’t judge me! You have no idea how I feel. O wait she is reading the note you left. She has tears running down her face. She says kitty I am so sorry you got left here. Let me feed you and get you some where warm.

Wait!!!! Get me some where warm???? O shit kitty jail!!! This time I don’t have you to get me out. No one wants an old grumpy cat. I ran so fast out that door. I didn’t care if I had to freeze and starve. Hell no I am not ready to give up yet!!! So yet another cold night out here alone……….

Stranger in the night

I was walking home alone late at night. Something you have told me not to all the time. I get my phone out. I go to call you. Its way to late and I know with her. You will never answer. So I keep walking, the streets are so dark and it quiet. I can hear traffic in the was distance. I start to get scared not sure why. I have walked this road so many times. I hear foot steps behind me. I can tell they far back. I don’t dare look behind me I don’t want to see who it is.

I start to walk faster, the footsteps start to walk faster. Now panic sets in. I pull out my phone. I walk faster and cross the street. I hear nothing for a minute. Then I hear him he is now closer then he was before. Should I turn around and see who it is. Its so hot and I start to sweat. Maybe its all in my head maybe no was is there. I see some one a head of me. Maybe they are meeting each other and has nothing to do with me. I cross the street again. I walk by the other person seems to pay me no attention. Not sure if he can see the panic on my face. I hope not. Now I hear the footsteps even closer. They did not say word to other man on the corner.

I pull out my phone I call my son to come meet me. I call no answer. I call my other son again no answer. I start to leave a voice mail. I start talking to it and tell him what street I am on. If you get this message please come meet me. I hope he could hear me talking. That he knows someone is coming. I now have sweat poring down my face. I am wondering if I should start to run. I stop to look at my phone thinking if the footsteps stop then I am in trouble.

I hear nothing should I just turn around? I really don’t know what to do. I now start running after sending a text to my son with my location. The foot steps start running. Out of no where I hear mom! OMG my boys they came

I am out of breath I have tears running down my face. My son says mom there isn’t anyone there. I said maybe you scared them away. He said mom we saw you walking and then start running. There was no one there.

They walk me home. My heart is still beating so loud that it sounds like its beating outside my chest. I guess I should of turned around. Why was I so scared to see him. Was any one even there. Who was following me? Why?

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