Alone

I am in a room full of “friends.” Yet I feel all alone. Most of them not knowing me at all. Many have hurt me, having no idea they have. Having the feeling, I don’t belong here. Will they ever understand me? No, they won’t. My life is so different than all of them. I don’t belong anywhere. Even at my house, I just want not to be there. I am always chasing people who don’t want me. Why?? I have no idea. When I am away, I miss everyone in my life. When I am present, I want to be somewhere else.

Not knowing where you belong in life sucks. I keep searching for happiness. I know that happiness comes from inside. You can’t find it. Yet I still search for it. I always wonder if I suppose to be alone in this world. If there really isn’t anyone for me. Maybe it’s the way I live my life. Being alone for the rest of my life makes me sad. I have so much to give, but no one ever seems to want it. Realizing a friend you thought was a friend really isn’t. That hurts a lot. Sadly it has happened so many times like at a deli line yelling ”next.” I become numb from the pain. I will never let them know how bad they have hurt me. It’s my fault for thinking they were a friend. You can never lose a true friend. Real friends don’t leave you ever.

When your car breaks down at 2 in the morning, the person you first call is your friend. When you get the best news ever and the first person you think of. That is your friend on the worse day of your life. The first person you call is your friend. It may be your mom, dad, sister, or even your kids.

Many do not understand my life. I think some times that it’s much better just to be alone. Some times I don’t know who I am supposed to be. I often wonder if my ”friends” see my pain. I try to be my best. Sometimes that isn’t good enough. I realize who really is my friend and who is not.

Losing and gaining friends and boyfriends has made me who I am today. With every loss teaches me a lesson. I hope to feel someday like I belong somewhere. For every friend, I lose is sadness. Also, I learn a lot. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. God puts people in your life for a reason.

I just need you to know……

When I heard the news I just wanted to hear your voice. I just need to know your ok. There is no way for me to contact you. Trust me I tried every option. When you shut me out you boarded up the windows and the doors. I have held you so many nights while you cried. I can only image your pain now. Even though we have had zero contact in months. I think of you often. I may never ever speak to you again.  In my life I have lost a lot of friends. Losing you was the worst. We only new each other for a short amount of time. Some reason I just felt connected to you. I can only believe you did not feel the same. Since you were able to walk away from our friendship. My heart hurts for you, I just want to make sure your ok. I may never get my answer and that is something I have to live with. I can promise you, that if you pick up the phone in 2 years and call. I will answer. Friendships don’t expire. I connected with you the first time I met you. That I will never forget. Maybe just maybe you still follow my blogs. Most likely you do not. I believe when you cut me out of your life you cut every thing. Maybe some day you will read this and pick up the phone and I will answer. Till then I pray for you and your heart. I never nor will I ever forget about you. I just needed you to know…….

 

 

 

 

You are my fire

I was told that you were like the kindling that started my fire. I thought about it for awhile. I don’t think so I think you are my fire. With out you my fire has gone away. I have found tons of matches but nothing to light.

I have had couple of fires. While sitting back and enjoying it. Something never seemed right. It would shortly rain and the fire would be gone. I am not sure if I will have that fire again. Maybe it was once in a lifetime kinda thing. I hope not. Lots of kindling but no matches. With you the fire just burned with no problem. We had it all matches and kindling and no rain. I no if you could you would restart my fire. You never want me to with out it. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I wish it did.

Why did you leave?

I loved that you had been home with me. I was able to cuddle with you all day. You didn’t seem happy. You sensed sad. I tried everything I new how to do. You told me every day how much you loved me. You always said it was so unfair that I could not live as long as you. But yet I am still here and I can’t find you. Where did you go? Why can’t I find you. Why is some one else sleeping in your spot?

I got so happy I saw some one sleeping in your spot. I thought you had come back for me. I then realized it was not you. I can still smell your sent here on your things. I no you wouldn’t just leave me. You have always had me with you. Even when you moved me in to a new home. I was ok because I had you.

This nice man feeds me when I demand to be fed. I still search for you. I think this man knows where you are. He gets sad when I cry and jump on your side of the bed.

I do all kinds of bad stuff hoping you will come back and yell at me. No matter what I do you don’t come back. Why would you leave me? I no you left me with this nice guy. He isn’t you. I want you to pet me. I want you to cuddle with me. I have no idea who this other person is. She isn’t you!!!! This is the longest I have been away from you. I no I am getting old. What happens if I never see you again? I forget every day your still not here. I wake up searching for you. Every day I my heart breaks again and again.

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