Who am I? I have asked this question so many times. For so long, I was his wife, I was my boys’ mom. But who am I? Some days I feel like a chameleon that can change what they are, in whatever situations they are in.
I can be that funny girl when I want, or I can put on the ‘mom face’ when needed. I can be who I need to be, when needed. But who am I when no one is looking?
I can tell you now, that I am not who you think I am. My mind is always going, and the things that are in there are sometimes scary. I cry when no one is watching; usually called shower tears. The days after my husband left me, I was so dead inside. The constant feeling of being a failure was overwhelming. Getting up in the morning was a struggle, every day. My mind was full of ‘what ifs.’ Maybe I should have been thiner? Maybe I should have cared more? I figured it was because I was dumb, and that is why I deserved to be left. Because of me, my boys lost their dad. They lost their home as they knew it; they lost the family. Because I chose the wrong guy, my boys will suffer their whole life. They will live with a broken family forever. They will grow up struggling for money; everything I never ever wanted for my kids.
When I met my hubby he said, “Family is number one, and you never leave.” He changed his mind, and we got left. I became a robot. I got up, went to work, and took care of the boys as well as I could. This was pain; pain like I have never felt before. I was more in pain for my kids. I could care less about myself, because I was used to getting thrown away. This time was different, though. This time I wanted to change my spots to disappear.
So many nights I thought my boys deserved so much more then I could ever give them. The words of him calling me weak stayed in my mind for a very long time. I was scared and weak; something I have never been before. He was my rock. He always made it better, but now he is the one causing me to be weak. For 12 plus years he made it better. He controlled everything; I had not a clue. We were so young when we got married. How the hell can I do this alone?
Well I did!
I did it all alone, and alone I was for 8 years; just my boys and I. I really got to know my boys. When you’re not worried about others, you really get to know your kids. I will never forget when my boys told me, “We would rather be poor with you, any day. We are so happy and you are a great mom!” They became my rock. I can’t imagine my life without them. As they are getting older, I know the time will come when they will leave me, too. I hope I can find a love out there. Someone else who will be my rock. Someone who won’t leave me alone. I used to think I wanted to travel this world alone, but now I have changed my mind. I want to find the one; the one who won’t leave me…the one who will love me, no matter what spots I have. I have come so far in life. I found my happy. I wake up happy that I was given another day on earth.
For the first time in forever, my heart feels whole again; it doesn’t feel broken. I no longer feel weak and afraid. I feel strong and happy. I love where I live. I love my friends and I love myself. It took a long time to find myself but I found her. My ex always said he was searching for happy. I now know that you have to be happy, you can’t find it. When you are happy with yourself, life just works out. So who am I when no one is watching?
that’s what I am.