The sun was shining, yet I felt dark inside. My world was falling apart around me. I wanted to just lay in bed forever. But knowing that I had to get up, and take care of the boys and go to work, I wiped the tears from my eyes, and got up like my world had not fallen apart. I fed the boys breakfast, and got then to school, then cried all the way to work.
I put my makeup and smile on, and off to work I went. This routine would continue for a long time. My life as I knew it was over. My horrible divorce had gone public on Facebook.
Many years I went just faking happy. I would cry in the shower, so the boys would not how bad I hurt. They were the innocent victims in this war. Many nights I would lay awake wondering, “How can I do this alone?” And I blamed myself because I felt I had failed as a wife, and they lost their dad.
Then came the darkest day of my life ever….I came home from work and there was a foreclosure sign on our door. So I made game of it with my boys. “Let’s sell whatever we can to make money” I said, and we started looking for a place to rent in the smallest town ever. That was hard.We found a small house to rent and I was able to keep the boys in the same school; for that I was thankful.
By this point, my ex and his soon-to-be wife had moved 45 minutes away. Being with her was more important then helping me raise his kids. Thank God for some of the best friends I have ever met. Everyone helped out getting boys to sports, and school, and home.
Since my life had gone public, everyone knew everything. What no one knew is how dark I felt. I threw on a happy face and played the happy person, but every day I was struggling with the darkness that set in. At what point will the sun shine again in me?
It would be years of darkness until I felt the sun shine on me again…..